Keep My Food Out of Your Mouth

Audio version now available.

I don’t think people should ever comment on each other’s food. “You must be hungry.” “You’re eating now? Didn’t you just eat a while ago?” “Seconds? You must like it.” “I see you don’t like vegetables. Hahahaha” “Sweet tooth, huh?” These are all societally innocent comments. They are conversation gap fillers. They aren’t meant to harm, but they do irreparable damage.

From skinny people who battle body image issues and associated eating disorders, to people dealing with obesity and diabetes, these little throw-away comments create shame. And shame gets medicated. Whether the medication of choice is vomiting, compulsive exercise, alcohol, or comfort calories, harmless little digs about other people’s food are far from harmless.

Having a place where we can eat anything we want, whenever we want, and without hiding our caloric intake – that is a huge component of emotional safety.

A few years ago I was spending a weekend with a couple in relationship recovery from alcoholism. I knew them pretty well, and the progress they were making in repairing their marriage was tangible. And yet, I watched her cringe when he said, “Now if I can just get her on my exercise routine.” He meant well. I promise you. I have had deep and meaningful conversations with this man. I have seen his heart and soul because he has willingly shown them to me while taking ownership of all of his missteps. His dedication to fitness has freed his mind and given him mental health and clarity, and he wanted that for his wife. There was not a doubt in my mind about his loving intentions.

But what do you think she heard? I’ll bet the thought swirling through her mind went something like, “That drunk son-of-a-bitch gets sober, and now I’m too fat for him?”

Can you relate? Have you heard comments meant to convey one message, but that you received in another way entirely? Emotional safety is not simple, and it requires us to change the ways we are hard-wired to communicate.

But as technology changes the world around us, the need to reboot our relationship norms has never been greater. It used to be that we went out into the big, bad world and were exposed to maybe 10 to 12 hours a day of social comparison. That person is fitter than me. That person makes more money than me. That person is smarter than me. But I’m fitter, richer, and smarter than at least a dozen other slobs, so I am OK. We survived our time out in the wild, and returned home to our cocoon of relative safety. But now, thanks to social media, the comparisons never end. I like to watch stand-up comedians in my Instagram feed at night. But since I Googled what the Fed is likely to do with interest rates, I get to hear people in my feed brag about how much more financially successful they are than me. Yes, I scroll quickly past, but not before the little jab lands an almost imperceivable punch. If I was reading a book, or out in the yard playing with a hoop and a stick, I would not be subjected to the little jabs. And thanks to the wonders of technology, the jabs we take in on a daily basis easily number in the hundreds, and probably the thousands if we are really paying attention.

Emotional safety is important. On the surface, it sounds easy. “Don’t get drunk and break shit, and don’t call my wife a bitch. Got it.” But it goes much deeper. It is complex and nuanced, and I believe emotional safety, or lack there of, is quite often the determining factor of which side of the 40-50% divorce rate you end up on. Women initiate 70% of divorces. Do you think women find emotional safety to be important?

We all need a home base where we can’t be tagged. We need a place where we can feel safe. As technology infiltrates all the nooks and crannies of our lives, the possibility of feeling secure is diminishing dramatically. The populations of almost all developed countries are declining because the fertility rate has fallen below the level of replacement. Women no longer need men for physical protection and financial security. If women don’t need men, then they have to want men in order for our species to survive. Here’s a news flash. No one, and I mean no one, wants to stay in an environment where they don’t feel emotionally safe. Do you think women, what with all of their nurturing instincts, want to bring a child into an emotionally unsafe environment? The statistics say, no.

The game has changed, and so far, the players don’t understand the new rules.

I am concerned that there are power-addicted, low-intelligence narcissists with access to nuclear weapons. I am concerned that the victims of the floods in the Texas Hill Country did not have advanced warning about such a deadly natural disaster. I am concerned that there is no home in our political system for a fiscal conservative who believes it is immoral to spend more money than we bring in. I lose sleep about the same headlines that keep most people up at night.

But those aren’t the problems I am working on. The stuff that I am trying to solve doesn’t grab headlines, even though it is just as serious an existential threat to humanity as the world’s richest man killing the world’s poorest people. Try coming up with as nipple-twisting a phrase as that one related to emotional safety. The world’s most well-intentioned but naive people are adding to the discomfort of their partners leading to fewer sustainable child-bearing relationships. It just doesn’t have the punch to get our attention, does it?

So the population of the world is never going to get all spun up about how a lack of emotional safety is going to destroy the population of the world. I get it. I can keep my expectations in check.

But what about your little corner of the world? Are you doing everything you can to create and maintain emotional safety in your home environment? Maybe you thought you were, but maybe you now realize there is more work to be done.

Here’s something easy that doesn’t involve curing the power addictions of dip-shit narcissists, nor does it require the intelligizing of a brainwashed electorate.

Maybe don’t ever comment on anyone else’s food.

This essay is from the “Underlying Issues Series.” Just because I have moved past alcohol doesn’t mean I don’t have lots of  room for growth, and lots of underlying issues to explore. If you are down with getting to the bottom of your stuff, and you have left addiction behind, too, please consider joining our group of growth explorers in SHOUT Sobriety.

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