Shameful Awakening
Audio version now available.
It has been going on since the beginning of humanity. Why am I surprised?
I have been undergoing a psychological transformation for the past couple of weeks. I have always heard that the horrors of war are too much for the human brain to process, and that PTSD and the elevated addiction and suicide rates of veterans are the predictable results. The contents of the Epstein files released on January 30th are too horrific, too shocking, for my human brain. I am not an empath. I work in the field of emotional abuse. I have aced grad school classes in sexual assault that required a lot of case-study critical analysis.
And yet, I was not remotely prepared for this.
I am not going to recap what is in the files. That is not my role, nor is that the purpose of this essay. As always, I am going to share my human experience, and try to engage with you about yours.
My polite conversations at work, with neighbors, at church, and with family have me convinced that the majority of Americans have not yet made themselves aware of the details within the Epstein files. I urge both engagement and caution. This is not another piece of click bait in a news cycle that we have been desensitized to ignore. I can’t express how big a deal this is without sounding like a crazy alarmist. I tried several sentences that felt right, but when I read them back, I felt like a loon. So you decide for yourself if this is a big deal. Me? I’m completely gutted.
I have taken comfort from two places. The people who have engaged to the level I have engaged are also losing sleep and going through relatable cycles between blood-boiling anger and hopelessness. I have also been “counselled” by internet psychologists that explain that what I am experiencing is normal for this level of trauma. I spent about three days at the end of last week consumed with the notion that I have been transformed into a conspiracy theorist sucked in by addiction to the internet. For the first time in my five decades, I seriously questioned my own sanity. The internet experts helped me realize that what I am experiencing is a sign of mental stability for someone who has just had my deeply ingrained world view and sense of moral clarity ripped from my conscious brain.
This opening is so dramatic. If you have not yet engaged with the Epstein files, I must sound completely crazy to you. For me, I rode that wave, and I can feel the earth beneath my feet again.
In my house, I am engaging with my wife and with my kids. I am trying to serve as a filter for my wife, because I know that the details related to children will haunt her forever. Our kids are between the ages of 16 and 23. We are having conversations that feel age appropriate. We are staying close and trying to read their levels of distress. Our oldest, our daughter, is not engaging in the details for self-protection. I honor and applaud that decision. She lives in Minneapolis. She is angry enough. Our oldest son is sharing with me sources of information that he feels are reliable. My Gen X brain is not prepared for the Wild Wild West of internet independent journalism. The mainstream media is not covering the details. I can speculate about the reasons, but I can’t speculate without sounding like I need to put on my tinfoil hat.
I am anchoring my understanding on information provided directly by Ro Khanna, Democratic U.S. Congressman from California, and his congressional counterpart, Representative Thomas Massie from Kentucky. Without these two brave and relentless lawmakers, the Epstein files would not be public. I have chosen to trust them because, well, I have to trust somebody. I feel like I have a very good track record as a judge of character. I believe Khanna and Massie for two reasons. I haven’t heard any U.S. Senators or Congressmen dispute their statements or try to sully their pursuit of the truth, and because I can see in their faces that they have been changed by direct interaction with the survivors.
They have talked to the survivors.
I have talked to survivors of alcoholic partners and emotional abusers, and my interactions with them have changed me. I get the power of direct contact with survivors.
I encourage people to use caution when engaging with the Epstein files. I have not gone to the DOJ website and searched for materials myself. There is plenty of detail available through podcasts and social media. I encourage you to search for everything you can from Khanna and Massie. Listen to their voices and watch their faces. See if you draw the same conclusions I have. They will also help protect your psyche, as they exhibit the professionalism to not get deep into the mind-bending, traumatic details that the raw materials in the Epstein files include.
I am so incredibly thankful that one of them is a Democrat, and the other is a Republican. I have been saying for months that when I write and talk about addiction to power, that it is not political, partisan, or about policy. If you still think this is a political rant, I urge you to engage enough to learn the spectrum of the names of offenders, co-conspirators, frequent communicators, visitors to Epstein’s various properties, etc. They do all have something in common, but political ideology is not it.
If you get nothing else from this essay, please consider this: To defeat this evil, we will have to unite: Republicans, Democrats, Independents, conservatives, liberals, progressives, constitutionalists. This is not the time for political ideology or policy positions. When you understand the leadership structure of our country and beyond, you will understand that policy is currently irrelevant.
I also want to say how wrong I was, just four weeks ago, when I chastised Millennials and others for getting their news from social media. Our traditional media institutions are not covering this. The files exist. I can see them in black and white, and in massive quantities. And yet, when I turn to traditional sources of information, there is only one story being covered. While I have read speculation that the daily headline story is an intentional distraction, or a signal being sent to the media, again, I have to strap on my tinfoil hat to say anything more about that. My point is that none of the corporate media outlets are covering the details of the Epstein files. For me, this lack of coverage is another massive mind fuck nearly as traumatic as the details from within the files.
I am ashamed of my country. I am ashamed of my world. I am ashamed of humanity. This is a more gradual transition I have been experiencing over the past decade. Again, it is not related to policy and politics. My shame has grown while my nation allowed, and even encouraged, cruelty, misogyny, racism, stupidity, and a lack of character. Listen, I have stood at attention with tears streaming down behind my sunglasses at my annual Memorial Weekend remembrance ceremony. Until recently, I flew an American flag outside my house for my whole adult life. I have been more-than-average patriotic. I think that a pivotal indicator of the devolution of moral and ethical standards that were once an expectation of the American citizens goes back almost 30 years to when we let an adulterous liar who used his massive power imbalance to sexually coerce an intern stay as the leader of the free world. A man without character maintained a position that is entirely about character. It is a cliche, but it is truly a slippery slope. The predators are responsible for their crimes, and the men and women who looked the other way or enabled are almost as guilty.
But we are guilty, too. I feel ashamed. I am gutted that the only things I have done are vote, and to shake my head in disgust. In fact, I wondered if my concern about leaders who did not live up to my basic values and standards was a sign of my weakness, my adherence to a code of conduct that no longer had relevance. I am ashamed that I didn’t find a way to stand up more vociferously, or aggressively, for the values I believe in before we lost the country that I loved.
If you think I’m being dramatic, please cautiously engage with the Epstein files.
“You’re not angry enough,” is a common sign-off for independent journalists and content creators who are deep into the files. Some of the atrocities they are explaining are truly beyond my ability to comprehend. I understand the seething rage that is building.
And yet, as I am a couple of weeks into my mind-bending self-education, I am already starting to desensitize. It is a natural psychologically protective defense mechanism. I’ll repeat the sentence from my opening:
It has been going on since the beginning of humanity. Why am I surprised?
Humans have the capacity to be vile, despicable creatures. The prefrontal cortex can be used for good or evil. I get it. But I cannot, I will not, normalize behaviors of this century and the end of the last. This is so incredibly not OK, and I don’t see a way to get the train back on the tracks that does not include a reimagining of global governance and power.
And while I do believe in justice for the 1,200 plus victims, and consequences and very public punishment for the perpetrators, I believe our way out has to be grounded in love and character. I don’t think we can hate our way out of this.
We can’t legislate morality, because we don’t all share the same moral boundaries. But we can prioritize character in the people we choose as leaders. I am talking about prioritizing character over policy, over politics, and over personal benefits. We have to stop shrugging our shoulders and saying we voted for the person who was best for the economy.
We have to vote for the person who is the best person.
Your person and my person might not be the same, because we might have subtle differences in our values, but I am confident that none of us would have voted for the monsters who are running the world if we voted based on character. I recently conducted research about what people find attractive in potential mates. The top characteristic chosen by 79% of survey participants was shared values. We prioritize values in the people with whom we choose to share a home. Why did we lose sight of the importance of values with the people who lead our towns, our states, our countries, our world? How did that happen?
And can we fix it?
The “grab ‘em by the pussy” comment happened in about the seventh inning of a ballgame where we’ve been giving up runs for at least three decades. That statement didn’t cross a red line. We the people erased the red line a long time ago.
But maybe we can get it back. Maybe we can reestablish what it means to be an American, a civilized, loving human. Maybe we can demand in the people we choose to lead us at least as much character as we display when we have holiday dinners with our grandmothers.
For the record, I am in favor of a matriarchal society. But that’s a rant for another day. For now, I encourage you to cautiously engage with the Epstein files, and prepare for a psychological metamorphosis that is both terrifying and necessary.
When you come out the other side, as I have, let’s work together to compartmentalize the anger, and find love and character as our guiding light to what’s next.
I have one simple ask: Will you please leave a comment letting me know where you are in the process of engaging with the files? Do I sound like an alarmist, am I not angry enough, or does this essay encourage you to cautiously engage? I can assure you that connection with trusted people is psychological protection for us all. Leaving a comment will feel a little bit cathartic.
18 Comments
Deeply depressed after delving into the files, coming back one toe at a time
That description is very relatable.
Such a raw post Matt. Besides the basics from articles in places like the NYT, I have not engaged much…sounds like I should.
Yes, but use caution. I found this two-part podcast series after I published. It is Amanda Doyle on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast. It is a great place to start that explains the details and timeline while protecting your cognitive health. Here is a Spotify link:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0u0ghFiqNY4rE7uahRiTd1?si=Esh_BtkmRpS2BwEs9sx-hg&context=spotify%3Aplaylist%3A37i9dQZF1FgnTBfUlzkeKt
I recommend Nate Cornacchia’s YouTube blog for Epstein Files information (and lots of other things), Matt. He is a retired Green Beret and a smart, no BS communicator. I am an Independent with both a conservative and a liberal streak, depending on the issue, but I also have a highly developed BS detector from spending an entire career working with the general public, and I have found myself comfortable with Nate’s viewpoints on the majority of issues he discusses. You can find it on YouTube as “Valhalla VFT.” Love your work, Sir!
Thank you for your feedback, and for the resource. As I said, my Gen X brain is not cut out for weeding through the new world of independent journalism, so I sincerely appreciate hearing about a trusted voice.
I can’t engage with the files directly, but I have received news from the same sources as you. I do not need to read anything to know that the circle of powerful men who have dirt on all of the other powerful men will continue to collude with each other to stay out of trouble. Pam Bondi may finally be correct when she says that taking them down will take down the economy. And they know that and knew that, which is why money talks. Doing forbidden things is the only dopamine hit these losers who have everything have left. Hunting children or the last white rhino is the same thing. They have no morals or values, and every single one of them is corrupt in their own way but mostly it is with the lining of their pockets.
So very well said. I can feel your anger behind the well-articulated words, my friend. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Matt,
I have not engaged with the Epstein files, probably because I feel like this doesn’t surprise me, or maybe because I haven’t trusted our government “system” for a long time. Your article though does encourage me to take a gander at some sources and dig in a bit. Alarmest? I don’t think so, but I am hopeful that more and more of America will stand up against this two party debacle we’ve grown accustomed to. however, there is a whole slew of us that identify as Libertarian out there, or are more ‘Minarchist’, who bemoan our ballots. But for me, character ends up being the draw, even over my preferred policies for a glimmer of hope. so you are not alone in your feelings. I guess sadly enough, I don’t even want to be engaged in it anymore, I just want out of our societal mess. As a past dear friend of mine once said who I battled sobriety with (who sadly took his own life) and had served tours in Iraq and Afghanistan before being RPG’d and losing his three HMMV mates: “I don’t even care if we’re friends anymore after this, as long as you don’t trust our government”.
Thank you, especially for the last part, for sharing those powerful words from your friend who lost his life defending us and learning more than we ever will about the cancer that needs to be eradicated.
Honestly, I’m sampling the Epstein Files through independent journalists, and it’s about all I can take in that already-filtered form. I can’t separate this from the increasing mainstreaming of misogyny in this country (so many examples, but seriously Nick Fuentes getting a White House dinner is how you know this is the shittiest timeline). It’s worth noting that consequences are being doled out for this abroad. The lack thereof here seems to be a American phenomenon, tied to our certainty that great wealth is the same thing as great intelligence, and that sacrifices to the great appetites of those wealthy must be offered for the rest of us to stay confortable in our little niches.
I really appreciate your highlighting of the incorrect perceived connection between money/power and intelligence. If we are going to come back from this, we absolutely must prioritize intelligence and character over policy or politics. Thank you for reading and supporting, Barbara!
“the men and women who looked away and enabled are almost as guilty. Amen to that.
But isn’t that true for virtually everything going on in our government at the moment?
That’s why I, like you, am delighted that the two folks most responsible for finally beinging all of this dirt to light, one is a Democrat and one is Republican.
Yes sir! We’ve got to pull together.
Thank you for keeping the Epstein files in focus. It is an example of moral decline in our world. Two points you made stuck out: “We have to vote for the person who is the best person” and “We let an adulterous liar who used his massive power imbalance to sexually coerce an intern stay as the leader of the free world.” I needed to hear both of the those points. Next time….I am not casting a vote against a candidate, I want to vote FOR a candidate with moral character. I want to hold those in office to a higher standard.
I am encouraged by the recent events in Europe regarding fallout from the Epstein files. Hopefully, this will provide an impetus to our elected officials.
There are glimmers of hope. You are right, Tara. And thanks for the perspective on casting that next vote.
I took your little challenge and engaged with them, probably a little more than I should have. Deeply angered and disturbed at what i learned. about a system that was set up to deceive and enable rich white horrible men in power. we all have to do more to stop this behavior before it undoes us as a society. the high ups that looked the other way maybe the most disturbing part but that doesn’t really surprise me…but still disturbs me deeply. still wrapping my head around the way in feel and kinda confused to be honest.
Deeply disturbed and kinda confused sounds really familiar. I am emerging from the fog with an understanding that conflicts with a lot of what I previously believed. But the truth will set us all free, sis!