Evolution Series: Consequences of Confrontation
Audio version now available.
Confrontation has long been hard for me, and I have worked tirelessly to avoid it. My conflict avoidance is also probably one of the reasons that my marriage has survived. While I acknowledge that past, I am moving into a new version of the future.
My husband is not the kind of person who exhibits patience or empathy when I need to say things that are hard to hear. This is a familiar pattern that I also experienced with my father. They are both alcoholics, so I guess I was conditioned to accept the lack of emotional safety.
In the last year, while my husband has been in the throws of relapse, I have had to learn and practice confrontation. That does not mean picking fights, but it means being honest with my truth–with my needs–regardless of what I anticipate the reaction might be.
In the past, I steadfastly avoided confrontation at all costs. Now, confronting with authenticity has been both incredibly terrifying and also exhilarating. While my heart has raced from fear, there has been a feeling of freedom from actually expressing the emotions and needs weighing on my heart. There is a lightness in not carrying the protective, avoidant load in order to keep other people from feeling the impact of their own choices.
Their consequences.
It has also shocked me how much speaking my truth has driven things toward helpful change. That doesn’t mean the conversations have not been deeply difficult, or that mean things have not been said in response to my honesty–mean things resulting in pain. But something remarkable has resulted as well. After the dust has settled from the initial shock of the truth, we have experienced real, raw conversations, and meaningful progress and change has taken place.
I felt that I was protecting myself by not being honest–by not confronting. In my mind, the avoidance kept the peace. I didn’t rock the boat. But I am learning now that my confrontation avoidance actually kept me stuck. And by avoiding confrontation, I participated in keeping my husband stuck as he didn’t have to be responsible for his actions when I didn’t say anything.
No consequences. No accountability. No more.
Confronting is about keeping everyone honest, most importantly, myself. I cannot have the life I need and want if I cannot find my voice, even when it’s hard.
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