Evolution Series

Evolution Series: Distortion

Distortion

After alcohol killed my husband, I looked through years of text messages from him, looking for clues. There was no mystery, and I’m not sure what I was trying to solve. Somehow, knowing the truth wasn’t enough. I compiled his messages to me – often repeated over and over again – in search of answers.

 

These are his words:

 

“I know that I am not what you want anymore. I know you are unhappy in our marriage. I know you are pulling away and preparing to leave me. I have never been enough for you. I know you are looking for someone new to replace me, if you have not already found him. You and the kids don’t want me around anyway. I’m best served to just stay quiet. It all seems so fragile sometimes. You guys were fine until me. Being quiet doesn’t work. Should I move further away?

 

“I will just work. That’s all I am good for.

Evolution Series: Don’t Ask About Him

Don't Ask Me About Him

Please ask about my cats. Elvis and Carson are my loyal little companions, but even more importantly, they are my family. They are my comfort, my unconditional loves and my best friends. Ask about them and enjoy my smile as I tell you all about their perfect little furry faces.

 

Please don’t ask about Louie. I’ve distanced myself, and I don’t know the everyday details of how he’s doing. You asking about him reminds me of the distance, the detachment and the walls I’ve had to build to protect myself. You don’t know all of this, and I know that no malice exists behind your innocent question.

Evolution Series: When the Solution is the Problem

When the Solution is the Problem

I have not been taking my meds

     My personalities have never felt better

The programming was not working

     So I switched off all the channels

Unlike Neo I took both pills

     Turned into my inner child

Now I’m rolling and running down hill

    Still profoundly upset with our depravity

I would argue the point that we are not civilized humanity

   My best thinking had me drinking, drugging, and With myself   Stuck IN

Evolution Series: There Was Before and then There Was After

There Was Before and then There Was After

We lie to ourselves and others about minor things, major things, and all the things in between. There was before, then there was after, and again, everything in between.

 

The things we wished we had said and the things we ended up saying that weren’t quite right and didn’t land the way we wished they would, and possibly their feelings wouldn’t have been so hurt, or there wouldn’t have been such a misunderstanding if only the words had been right.

 

But the right words are for the right situations, and when things are messy, and misunderstandings are already the tapestry that has been laid, that encloses and surrounds a relationship, it doesn’t seem to matter how one says anything.

Evolution Series: The Cottage

The Cottage

All alcoholism has underlying issues. Drinking often starts as joyful and social, but eventually, when we cross that invisible line into addiction, we are medicating something. Often, the thing we are medicating is adverse childhood experiences.

 

But childhood experiences can serve another purpose. They can ground us and give us strength. Memories of safety and family in childhood can remind us of the power of pure and unadulterated love. They can help explain how we became the adults we are today.

 

And when embroiled in the chaos of alcoholism – whether our own drinking or the addiction of someone we love – those innocent memories help us focus on the safety and connection we all deserve.

 

I’m proud to introduce these beautiful childhood memories from Kelly – a talented writer and dear, sweet friend. This recollection is not about alcoholism. It is an anchor to the simplicity of life that we humans unwittingly complicate. Can you remember the safety of your cottage?

 

***

 

For as long as I can remember, the cottage has been a part of my life.

 

For two weeks every August, my grandmother and aunt took my three siblings and me up to the cottage located halfway down the Keweenaw Peninsula, the northernmost section of Michigan’s U.P. Excitement made sleep a struggle the nights before leaving for the cottage.

Evolution Series: The Beast

The Beast

For a long time, I couldn’t silence the screaming in my head.

It wailed day and night, night and day.

Years passed while it ranted and raved, quieting occasionally in slumber.

After a while, I wrestled that wraith into a box where it remained my captive.

Its muffled screams blending into the soundscape – white noise humming and buzzing at the periphery of my mind like the foggy mist of last night’s dream.

One day, a maelstrom came along and unleashed The Beast.

Evolution Series: Taking Back the Holidays

Taking Back the Holidays

Our last Christmas as a couple was in 2020. I knew going into December that if nothing changed, this would be our last time through the holiday season together.

 

Nothing changed. No Christmas miracle.

 

Starting in 2021, I found that some traditions and memories were too sad or too hard to continue. But I like the holidays, and I didn’t want to abandon them. Here are a few things I have done, and continue to do, to help make this time of year different.

Evolution Series: If You are Wondering

If You are Wondering

If you are wondering if your relationship is like the relationships of others, it’s probably different. If you are wondering, you are probably too afraid to ask.

 

If you think marriage and children will fix things, they won’t.

 

You can’t fix their holes that they had when they came to you. You can’t give them your family as a replacement for what they didn’t have, no matter how much you share and shower them with love and attention. It can’t fix that which never existed.