Tag: family pain

Evolution Series: Knowing Can’t Save Me

Knowing Can't Save Me

I watched my dad plunge into our swimming pool to recover the limp and lifeless body of my two-year-old brother. I was four.

 

No one knows when Joey exited the house, or how none of us heard the creaking of the screen door. It is a mystery why this tiny boy, who was so very fearful of even his bathwater, edged so close to the unfenced pool. Mom screamed for a neighbor. Dad screamed for me to go to my room–my upstairs bedroom that overlooked the tragic scene below. With my panicked heart beating frantically, I sprinted to the house. Before climbing the stairs, I stopped by the telephone anchored to the wall in our kitchen to call two neighbors. We needed help. At the age of four, I knew by heart the numbers of my neighbors and was able to call to beckon aid to our desperate situation. Knowing those numbers did not save the day, so why did they matter? Knowing those numbers gave me something important to do while Dad started CPR and Mom ran for the EMS driver, who lived across the street. Knowing those numbers brought someone to my rescue as my parents were carted away, under flashing lights with my brother, who would never return.

 

The tragedy of August 30, 1981 began the memory of my memory. 

Requisite

Requisite

Audio version now available.

 

That’s a picture of my bride from the summer we got married. Isn’t she cute? It’s a digital capture of a real photo taken with a camera that doesn’t make or receive phone calls. The picture is printed on glossy paper, and you can see the date stamp on Sheri’s tanned arm.

 

Now, I know you don’t know her as well as I do, but this picture is striking to me because of the genuine, authentic joy on Sheri’s face. Based on her eyebrows, cheeks, and nose, and even through her sunglasses, I can see the trust in her eyes. Not only is she enjoying a sunny day on Lake Winnipesaukee, but she’s enjoying the people she’s with, including me, with a fully relaxed nervous system.

Rose, part two

Rose, part two

Audio version now available.

(Click here to read part one.)

Confused about the sources of her anxiety, and incapable of confronting Chris for the alcohol or relationship dysfunction, Rose did what she’d been trained to do her whole life. She signed up for 5k runs and thumbed through grad school degree catalogs. Deflection and gaslighting are traits so often assigned to people experiencing addiction first hand. But second-hand alcoholics can get pretty good at them, too. Rose could have taught a grad school class in denying reality and looking for a solution in external gratification.

 

Rose ignored the anxiety and her partner’s drinking, and instead focused on the next degree, the next job, or at least the next PR in the next Saturday morning race. It is a good thing she didn’t get the euphoric feeling from booze that many of us alcoholics experience. She had the denial and deflection down so well that it’s kind of amazing that she didn’t develop a debilitating addiction of her own.

 

She was stuck.

She IS Stuck in the Past

She IS Stuck in the Past

Audio version now available.

 

“You said we would only be there for a little while. A couple of beers, you said. The kids and I left you there at almost midnight. When you stumbled in at 2am, fell up the back stairs, and started calling my name, I was afraid you were going to wake the kids. I didn’t want them to see you like that. I didn’t want them to see me as angry as I was.” My wife brought up that memory more than once.

 

I used to ask her why she couldn’t get out of the past. “You are stuck, Sheri. That was years ago. I’ve been sober for a long time. Why can’t you be proud of the man I’ve become?”

Jen, part two

Jen, part two

Audio version now available.

(Click here to read part one.)

Old academic papers on the impact of alcoholism on kids are plentiful. The studies from the end of last century usually suggest that the family stay together. That’s one of the things I despise about behavioral health research. Humans are complex and coercible, and an experienced academic can usually design a study to get the results that validate his assertions. People haven’t changed much since the start of this new millennium, but the advice sure has. It is widely believed among family psychologists that what children need is one stable parent, to provide emotional support, physical safety, and healthy adult modeling. Staying in a toxic marriage for the sake of the kids is finally being openly criticised for being as ludicrous as it sounds.