Evolution Series: Doing without Knowing
Is my stomach clenched, my heart racing, my shoulders tight because I don’t know what to do?
Or because I know what to do, but can’t predict or manage the outcome?
Knowing is just an illusion, another word for control. I can’t possibly know, can’t possibly control, what the next months will bring. Has anything that’s ever happened occurred because I was able to know and control it before it happened?
I had the opportunity to participate in a silent retreat. I approached the day with the expectation that I would leave with some insight or revelation that would provide clarity. How could I manufacture that outcome? I started by walking, trying to find just the right spot to settle in for the day. I read a book about feelings, trying to find just the right language to describe what’s inside of me.
I was trying to use someone else’s words to achieve my emotional breakthrough.
I searched for metaphors in everything, trying to impose meaning on the way the tangled branches reflected my tangled thoughts, or the way a bird balanced flapping its wings and allowing itself to be carried on a current of air.
None of it worked. I still have the clenched stomach, the racing heart, the tight shoulders.
I was left with the challenge to sit in the not knowing–to practice being still. I was reminded that clarity almost always comes with hindsight. So I think for now, what I need to do is pay attention and make the decisions that seem right for each moment.
There will never be enough knowing to justify that I initiate the doing.
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