He’s Sober. Now What? A Spouse’s Guide to Alcoholism Recovery
I’ve found statistics that indicate a 20% increase in divorce rate for couples dealing with alcoholism in the marriage. That number is not surprising to me. The overall divorce rate in the United States is roughly 50%, and it makes sense that addiction to alcohol adds significant challenges for couples to overcome in order to stay together.
But those aren’t the important numbers – not to me, anyway. The statistic I’m interested in doesn’t exist. At least I can’t find where this subset has ever been studied. I’m curious about the rate of divorce in marriages where the alcoholic gets sober. Based on the stories I know, and our personal experience, I’ll bet that divorce rate is over 80%. I thought getting sober was the hardest thing I’d ever do until I experienced the damage recovery did to my relationship. Recovering our marriage from alcoholism is the challenge of our lives.
Sobriety doesn’t fix anything. When I quit drinking, our relationship got much worse before it could begin to get better and recover.
Social media is full of what I refer to as rainbows and cotton candy posts about sobriety from addiction. I don’t get much out of the unicorns and bubblegum inspiration about how everyday is perfect in sobriety. And I imagine those posts are insulting to the spouse of an alcoholic in recovery who is dealing with the reality of resentment and distrust. Recovery is so hard. A picture of a sunrise with a snappy caption is an indignity to the couples trying to hold their families together in sobriety.
My wife, Sheri, and I, have recorded Untoxicated Podcast episodes about our relationship struggles, and they have both been downloaded over 400% more than our third top rated episode. Couples are hurting, and marriages are dying at the hands of this ferocious disease. Al-Anon is a great resource, but just like AA is not a good fit for everyone, couples need options in the ways they find help recovering their marriages from alcoholism.
That’s why we wrote a new ebook that we are announcing today. It’s about our struggles to survive alcoholism recovery and hold our marriage together. Titled, He’s Sober. Now What? A Spouse’s Guide to Alcoholism Recovery, Sheri and I worked together to write our new ebook from her perspective. It is her story of learning to love me again, and it covers topics we never imagined we would face when I got sober and started on the path to beating my disease.
Alcoholism destroys trust, intimacy and our ability to forgive. It leaves the collateral damage of resentment and the spouse’s defence mechanisms in its wake, and enough pain to last a lifetime. When I stopped drinking, I told Sheri I got sober for her. I thought she was selfish because she wasn’t instantly grateful and loving. I didn’t know what more she wanted from me. I didn’t understand the devastating amount of damage my 25 years of heavy drinking had done to our marriage. I just could not comprehend.
When I most needed my wife’s love and support, it was most unavailable. It was all my fault, and I didn’t have the capacity to understand. Now I know.
Getting sober after years or decades of alcoholism was like promising not to pour gasoline on the charred remains of our house after I burned it to the ground. After I crushed my spouse’s soul, I asked for loving support in exchange for promising to not crush it again.
We learned so many unexpected lessons in sobriety, and our marriage is surviving. After years of going backwards once I stopped drinking, we are making progress and recovering our marriage. We want to share what we’ve learned for free. We encourage you to download He’s Sober. Now What? A Spouse’s Guide to Alcoholism Recovery. Don’t let the title fool you. The lessons we learned are not gender specific, and the ebook is applicable for husbands of alcoholic wives in recovery, and same sex marriages as well.
Just as connection is required for successful recovery from addiction, connection is vital for the spouse of an alcoholic to recover as well. We hope you’ll share your experience in your alcoholic relationship in the comments, or by email directly to Sheri or me. You are not alone. The stigma associated with alcoholism envelopes marriages and families, and we must connect in order to survive. We are all in this together. Let’s replace shame with hope.
12 Comments
It was 4 years ago that we met, and he told me that he had 9 years sober. His first marriage of 24 years blew apart because of alcohol. It destroyed his family, home, career, everything. I believed that 9 years sober meant he had put it the past and was in a place in his life to move forward together. We made plans, did everything we could together. Our first 2 years were lovely. I sold my condo to make the commitment, both feet in, trusted him completely. But by the 3rd year, he began drinking again, in secret at first. I never imagined that he would take another drink. He’d had it beat. But by the time he confirmed what was happening… alcohol had a grip, and it was the worst 2 years of my life. He drove away family and friends, lost work, wrecked equipment, drove intoxicated all the time, lied to protect the addiction. The initial hope and support I tried to express gave way to the realization that there was nothing I could say or do that would change what he was doing. Eventually, resentment and distrust for all the lies and the awful things he’d say and do drinking became greater than the good memories that we’d created in the first 2 years. I begged him to get help, stop drinking, see a doctor, return to meetings, anything that would give me hope. But I had to move out for him to realize that he was really losing everything. And while I have not given up, and I see him trying… I don’t know if we will make it. I don’t trust his judgement now, or believe him when he says he’s not drinking. Because he lied to me about everything to hide something that was glaring, and I still see it in little things, even though I’m not there daily now. I found your blog more than a year ago, and I still read, because hope is all I have sometimes. Thanks for helping, sharing your own journey.
Wow Char! This is a powerful story very well written. Thank you for sharing. You deserve support for your own recovery from what you’ve been through. We hope you’ll check out our Echoes of Recovery program.
https://thestigma.org/echoes-of-recovery/
thank you for this blog…We’ve been married 17.. he was an alcoholic since he was 17, as he hid the majority his drinking I’ll really never know. I drank socially with him too, but he was a violent drunk.
now he is 22 months sober, i quit with him immediately, and he has changed his life so dramatically, I am confident in his ability to maintain sobriety as he is.
however we still have SO many communication issues and so much, to be honest, horror to work through; we both hope it’s worth it and we have four children and we want to keep going through but it seems all of our conversations end in heated screaming matches.
he never asks me questions or expresses concerns for me. I have been his primary talk therapist, which had been hard.
Congratulations on sobriety for you both! Unfortunately, sobriety doesn’t fix anything, but it is a prerequisite for both individual and relationship recovery. We encourage you to consider joining us in Echoes of Recovery. The group can help you work through the communication issues we all experience.
https://thestigma.org/echoes-of-recovery/
My husband has been an alcoholic for 11 years. He went cold turkey and it has destroyed our marriage. He has had an affair and has moved out and in 3times. Very depressed and it seems to be bipolar. Our divorce is final in two weeks he wanted to hold off and now he doesn’t. . I’m so lost and confused, I do not know what to do.
I’m so sorry for your pain and confusion. This is such a diabolical disease. What progress is he making in recovery? Are you in recovery yourself? Sobriety is not enough to save a marriage unless there is work and growth. That is what our SHOUT Sobriety and Echoes of Recovery groups are all about – discovery and growth. We are wishing the very best for your both!
My husband is almost 2 years sober. When he first got sober, I was happy, and he was joyful and happier than I have ever seen him but now I am feeling resentful for the lost wages and debt from when he was drinking around the clock, and lost time from my own progress in life because I felt like I was responsible for making sure he was alive, not in jail etc. I have also come to learn that he wants sex differently than he did in the past when he was drinking, and he wants me to wear different clothes than I have ever worn in public. Low cut blouses showing cleavage and daisy-duke shorts, no bra, but I am 60 years old. While I am glad that he thinks I look good in those things I cannot bring myself to go out in public like that. The sex and clothes thing has been very hard for me. I tell him I do not feel comfortable with it, and he says I am not meeting his needs. Therefore, I resent him, I try to avoid sex because it hurts, and I feel like he hates the way I have always dressed, and I feel like he resents me over the sex issue. I want him to be fully happy on his own and me happy with myself and a healthy happy marriage relationship, but I don’t know how to get there. I have told my doctor about the painful sex but there is only so much you can do as a woman to have sex like it was when you were under 50. I do love my husband and there is still good, but I am fearful about the resentments I am feeling myself have toward him and believe he has toward me. UGH.
Your story is so relatable, Hope. Thank you for sharing. Working through those resentments with your husband is so important. It is hard work, but it can relieve the pain and allow you both to move forward with peace and empathy. We talk about resentment processing on our podcast all the time. Here is an episode that might help. And you are more than welcome to join us in Echoes of Recovery where we help people work through the resentment processing.
https://un-toxicated.com/2023/05/ep193-recovery-timeline/
I am at the point where I am ready to give up- I put up with 12 years of my husband who is now sober- but that doesn’ t mean he is not full of resentment some how he hasn’t figured out he has no real right to resent anyone else- He wants to be celebrated for his new choices, however those choices are only toward other-s not me- He is still treating me with resentment and as I said I have just had enough- I can forgive it- not picking up the resentment myself- but it just might be that he can’t see the trees for the forest- Step 4 do that inventory so you get free from that resentment- him looking at me like I am the problem for saying he is resentful- not actually willing to humble himself
I’m so sorry, G. I wish this wasn’t such a familiar story, but it is. Thank you for reading. We have more resources that might help you navigate your next move. Below are links to our podcast, and our Echoes of Recovery group for the loved ones. We hope you will keep going in your recovery no matter how stuck he might be in resentment.
https://un-toxicated.com/2019/05/ep9-sheris-story-matts-wife-on-an-alcoholic-marriage/
https://thestigma.org/echoes-of-recovery/
I am a hairstylist i did my guy and his wife and two childrens hair for about 15 yrs.. felt i knew him.. his marriahe failed due to drinking.. his ex would tell me horrible stories but i thought she was not telling the truth he couldnt be that bad because the man i knew that came in regular was so nice and mannerly.. he got sober but the marriage still ended.. and he didnt know his wife told me stories all the time.. he seemed so lonely .. we started going to concerts and dinners together just friends.. it was almost 6 montjs before anything happened sexually .. i started spending the weekends only at his apsrtment.. things wete great.. he always helped me with things he would go buy groceries on friday after work for me to show up and we would make dinner together spend a quit evening after a long work week we went out on saturday night slept in on sunday he would make us breakfest andbthen i left and start again next friday.. this went on for over year and a half amd we decided to buy a house together.. i was so excited thought we were starting our life together for ever..but the day we signed papers something was wrong.. he wouldnt spend the first night with me in our new home.. i spent it alone.. this went on for over 2 months i kept asking did he regret buying the house he alwsys said no but i didnt believe him finally i took guys to his apartment loaded up his things tobthem to the new house arranged his clothes in the master closet put his bed in the mater bedrm when he got there he said he wanted a bedroom on the second floor not with me in the mater cause he got up early and didnt want to wake me.. i didnt buy it.. but he slept on the floor for 2weeks until i felt sorry for him hired guys to move his bed upstairs and his clothes.. i cried myself to sleep most nights.. i did not understand what had happened.. then i found a bottle of vodka when putting his laundry away.. the fights began the drunk rages him calling me every mean thing he could think of.. it was hell.. for 3 yrs this went on getting worse and worse.. then one night he went up to hisvroom drunk passed out left his phone on the couch a text came in.. now i had never looked at his phone before.. it was a coworker his is a dr andbit was a female dr with a naked pic of herself asking if he enjoyed last night.. my heart felt like it was going to explode every emotion i could possible feel i did.. i sat down a read texts going clear nack 12 yrs..they had been having a thing all this time but apparently she got jealous when he bought a house with me abd was putting pressure on him to get rid of me and she would move in the next day.. he had helped her out with money for years and shebthought the money would stop because of me.. so i called her up had a long talk that i owned half ofbthe house and ifbhe left i would takebit all she wasnt moving in my house not now not ever and i was going to let the company know what was going on and she did het fired but there were more things i found out from all the years of text… but he became meaner because i ended their thing that had built over many years .. she knew him better then me she went to all the AA meetings because she also had a problem he bever told me he had a female dr going with him and how they put the top down on beautiful nights turned the music up and sang all the way there and back.. he told her over and over when shebpressured him that he loved us both.. he didnt know what to do… that gave me hope.. he started drinking because if the pressure and knew he was in the wrong.. but its been a year with her out of the picture and he occasionally will spend several nights in my room but its like ge can only do it for those few nights then drinks and we start back to square one.. he has resentment towards me blames me for everything i have animosity towards him for ruiningbour life .. he wont own what he has done he blames things on me says i am dominating..i wasnt before but now i monitor everything to know if he stops at liquor store so i can be gone to not deal with a drunk.. i am to the point i dont know anymore if it can be saved.. i feel how dare him blame me for being hurt or yelling back not takingbit anymore.. he gets angry ifbi call him out on anything .. i am so struggling daily now.. i tell him he is showing me i am not worth his effort to prove he loved me like he says…
I’m so sorry for your pain, Vereeia. You said that you are not sure he can be saved. The partner cannot save someone in addiction. You can only protect yourself. You deserve much more.