Independence that’s Worth the Fight

I remember when I thought it was enough to not be a racist. But then 2016 happened and Charlottesville and dog whistles and, “…stand back and stand by,” and the cockroaches all emerged from the sewers. That’s when I learned that racism is still quite a bit more of a problem than I naively thought, and it isn’t enough that I, myself, am not a racist. It isn’t enough that all lives matter. I learned to be anti-racist. I learned that while we have made vast, undeniable progress in the past 60 years, we have much further to go than I previously realized. I learned that it is not enough to not be the problem. I needed to be part of the solution.

That introductory paragraph is not meant to stir the political pot in an election year, although, let me be clear: If you are a white supremacist, or if you are concerned about the demographic certainty that white people will soon not be in the majority in the United States, you can fuck right off and unsubscribe from our blog and podcast (I hate ambiguity, don’t you?). Michael Jordan once famously explained that he doesn’t engage in political commentary because both Republicans and Democrats buy sneakers. I have no such business-motivated neutrality. My wife and I don’t get all authentic and vulnerable to help cockroaches.

That opening paragraph isn’t about politics. It is about being proactive, growth oriented, forward thinking, curious and persistent. As we approach one of the big national holidays in the United States, those descriptors – those attributes – fit with my evolving definition of independence. I used to think of independence as a lack of tethering in much the same way that I thought of not being a racist as a lack of evil thoughts toward those who don’t look like me. But just like I grew into comfort with working against racism, I am growing into a new understanding of what freedom really has to offer.

What I understand now, seven-and-a-half years into sobriety, was beyond my comprehension at year four or year five. I am growing. I am evolving. I am undergoing a mindset shift that was not made possible by sobriety or even alcoholism recovery. It has required curiosity and discovery to redefine the glory and privilege of independence.

It’s not that what I used to believe is now wrong. It is just that my previous understanding was insufficient. You can read my July of 2018 article titled, “Happy Dependence Day.” Maybe you relate to the sarcasm and frustration I felt in early sobriety. Or maybe you can resonate with my July of 2019 article titled, “The Fight for Independence.” Do you notice a little less anger? Progress. Neither of these articles make points that I no longer believe to be true and important. But just like I am no longer satisfied to not be a racist, my beliefs about the true value of freedom have left those articles behind. Those words are valuable stepping stones to a place just a little further down the path.

Independence isn’t just a lack of suppression from the grip of alcohol. Freedom doesn’t just release me from the mental gymnastics of putting rules around my drinking or asking myself, “Am I really an alcoholic?” In fact, when I think about the incredible gift of independence, I don’t think about alcohol at all. I feel like the Road Runner. Did you notice that he never seemed relieved that he got away from Wile E. Coyote? He wasn’t running from danger. He was running toward a destination. That’s how I feel now. I am no longer running away from alcohol or addiction or shame or stigma. I keep running because I am curious about what is around the next corner, and I am equally curious about how I might react to, or interact with, what I find.

I have long said that sobriety doesn’t fix anything, but that it is a prerequisite. But a prerequisite for what? For repair? For fixing the myriad of things that were broken? Yes. But not just yes. Yes and…

Last week, we traveled a couple of thousand miles with our kids to visit my side of the family. When the plane pushed back from the gate in Denver, the pilot discovered a mechanical issue that grounded our winged chariot. Along with 150 or so disgruntled travel companions, we had to deplane and get on an identical 737 at the next gate over. I was so excited. That is not sarcasm. I was genuinely curious because we were flying Southwest with their open seating policy (no assigned seats). I was geeked out to see if people would make the same seat selections if given the choice a second time, roughly an hour after our first boarding experience. “Look around and memorize the faces around us,” I advised my family as they shot back looks of frustration and disgust. “This is going to be so cool.” For the rare few of you who might be curious, our daughter again selected a middle seat at the front of the plane while the rest of us went to the back to sit together. We found seats together a few rows further from the back, and the huge family of ten that boarded at the beginning, because one of the ten was a baby, chose to isolate from others a few rows behind us the second time. Fascinating! That is, to me and no one else in my family or otherwise. Incidentally, the whole escapade took two hours and one minute, and the suitcases took longer to make the change than the people did. Just in case you were wondering.

I enjoyed the experience that the vast majority, and my dear family, deemed a frustrating inconvenience. Since this is a blog about alcoholism, this is the part of the story where I should explain that I was more calm and patient than back in my drinking days. I was. It is true. But it is much more than that. My independent thinking not only made the event less bad. It made it interesting, and an opportunity to learn some trivial tidbit about human nature.

“Great,” you might be thinking. “It only took this guy seven-and-a-half years to not lose his shit during a flight delay.” That might not be the motivation about the glory of sobriety you are seeking if you are an accomplished mental gymnast. If that is what you are thinking, you are missing the point. I am not just free from the dependence of alcohol, I am free from the dependence of societal expectations, tribal thinking and doing things the way I’ve always done them.

I keep the top down on my Jeep Wrangler all winter even though I live in Colorado. I play soccer with the high school players I coach even though I can’t really keep up with them now that I’m in my 50s. I cry when I watch Moulin Rouge or Les Miserables even though it reveals my subconscious love for French prostitutes. And I’ll gleefully tolerate a 121 minute flight delay if it means I am going to learn something about humanity.

Part of the evolution of independence means not caring what others think of me. That is important. That is a milestone that gets a lot of mental gymnasts in early sobriety to hang up their leotards. But that isn’t the destination. It is just a marker on the road of freedom. I am not only free from the condemnation of others, I am curious about what makes them think in the limited, condescending ways so many humans think. Why do we eat three meals daily roughly at universally designated intervals? Why do people think that if they don’t like their partner’s behavior, complaining about it will fix it? Why have we chosen wealth and power as the goals we chase in spite of the overwhelming evidence that wealthy and powerful people are miserable narcissists?

Here is one that’s appropriate for the holiday that celebrates independence. Michael Douglas plays President Andrew Shepherd in one of my favorite movies, the 1995 drama, The American President. Shepherd gives a fiery speech about democracy that includes, “You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country cannot just be a flag. The symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Now show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then you can stand up and sing about the land of the free.” I cry everytime I watch that speech even though the movie is completely devoid of French prostitutes. I cry because I am very patriotic. My grandfathers both fought for our freedoms in World War II, and I envy their bravery. I believe that despite our glaring flaws and palpable dysfunction, our freedoms make this the best country on the planet. I stand proudly with my hand over my heart and sing the Star Spangled Banner everytime I attend an event where it is played. I fly an American flag in front of my house, and I make sure that it never touches the ground. And still, I agree with fictional President Shepherd (can he run in 2024?). I agree that in order to truly believe in the freedom that the flag represents, we have to believe in every American’s right to have their own individual, independent relationship with the flag I so honor and revere.

Independence isn’t just a lack of oppression from a king or a toxic beverage. Independence is an open minded approach to life that isn’t possible when we are easily coerced into following the crowd. Freedom isn’t rejecting the beliefs of others. It is having enough curiosity to leave the blame and shame behind, and climb to see what’s over the next ridge. Independence isn’t a lack of something. It is an insatiable hunger and the confidence to answer the call that comes from deep in your belly.

Independence isn’t breaking free from something bad. Independence is the shameless and relentless pursuit of something that has yet to be labeled.

If you feel the pull of the beer cooler while celebrating Independence Day, and it is all you can do to resist temptation when you are the only one at the July 4th BBQ who isn’t drinking, know this: If this summer, independence means breaking free from addiction, in a summer or two (if you keep going), you won’t give alcohol a second thought. And what you think you know about the meaning of Independence Day will be unrecognizable. Keep going. Keep fighting. Keep pursuing a path you don’t fully trust or understand.

Because no one ever gained their true independence by knowing where they were going, or by going back where they’d already been.

If you are ready to explore the concept of independence in sobriety with a group of free thinkers, please consider joining us in SHOUT Sobriety.

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