Intimacy Series: What a Turn On
When it comes to sex, my wife, Sheri, could dump a bucket of ice down my pants, and I’d still be ready to go.
I despise ambiguity and hidden meanings, and there is no room in this message for subtlety. So rather than bury the lead, let’s get right after it.
I experience spontaneous arousal. I can be changing the filter on our furnace while listening to a recording of a gospel choir singing “Amazing Grace,” and if the wind shifts out of the northwest in my basement, I am turned on. I don’t really listen to gospel music (I’m more of a Broadway show tunes kind of guy), and the last time I checked, our basement is almost entirely wind free. But that’s not the point. The point is that I don’t have to be doing something sexy to be ready for sexy time.
Spontaneous arousal is a real thing, and not just for pubescent boys wearing tightish sweatpants who are called to the chalkboard to complete math equations in 1980s teen comedy movies. Spontaneous arousal is common, it can remain strong even when we are much closer to the end of our lives than the beginning, and it is prevalent in all genders. Most importantly, spontaneous arousal is not a sign that anything is wrong. It is just how billions of healthy people are built.
However, while all gender identities experience spontaneous arousal, it is more common in cisgender men than women. When I typed, “How often do men think about…,” into the Google machine, the top auto completion of that sentence was, “…the Roman Empire,” which I thought was extremely bizarre, and honestly, a little concerning. But that is beside the point. The second auto completion was, “…women.” According to a study published in the Journal of Sex Research in 2011, men think about sex, on average, 19 times per day. Are you surprised? I’m not.
I was surprised to learn, as part of my graduate studies in sexual health, that there is another huge percentage of humanity that does not experience spontaneous arousal. Billions of people, it seems, experience reactive arousal. Reactive arousal flies in the face of everything we’ve been taught from watching Snow White as a child through American Pie as a young adult reaffirmed by When Harry Met Sally in grown-ass middle age. Oh, I’m a sucker for well-made rom-coms, and I was shocked to find that Nora Ephron had led me so far astray.
Reactive arousal is not just a weaker version of spontaneous arousal. I knew that my wife wasn’t as horny as I was. I accepted that. Stand-up comedians and country songs convinced me that I was in a normal relationship complete with sexual desire discrepancy. Sheri was aroused less often than me. I got that. No big deal.
Until it became a big deal. As the years went by, I grew increasingly aware that it wasn’t just that Sheri initiated sex less often than I did. She never initiated sex. It was as if the wind never shifted out of the northwest in her basement.
Sheri experiences reactive arousal, and reactive arousal is not just less frequent spontaneous arousal.
Reactive arousal simply means that pleasant thoughts about sex, and the associated physiological reactions, just don’t happen for some people – so very many completely healthy and normal people for whom sexual arousal does not take place without some kind of direct sexual stimulation, like genital caressing.
Oh the pain that knowledge would have saved in our marriage. This is yet another example of how our K-12 abstinence-based sexual health curriculum, and our Disney/Hallmark culture lets us down.
But Dr. Emily Nagoski certainly doesn’t let us down with her 2015 best seller, Come As You Are. Dr. Nagoski is a counselor and researcher and (most importantly in this context) an excellent educator. Emily uses a brilliant analogy about the accelerator and brakes on a car to describe the things that create sexual desire and arousal, and conversely, the things that crush the mood and make arousal nearly impossible.
So what are accelerators of arousal? The complex answer to that simple question is that it varies on a very individualized basis – not reliably down gender identity, age, sexual orientation or other demographic lines. However, things that foster feelings of love, emotional connection or trust, as well as erotic experiences or exposures, often press on the arousal accelerator. Conversely, and not surprisingly, the list of things that can potentially stomp on the arousal brakes is long and ever-expanding. Things like self body image, concerns about our reputation, lack of safety in an environment, fears about STIs or unwanted pregnancy, coercion or feelings of being used, a bad mood, poor hygiene or distraction are all leading candidates for bringing arousal to a screeching, rubber-burning halt. And as though the topic of sexual arousal wasn’t complicated enough, stress and anxiety can affect the same people in different ways at indistinguishably different times. Stress can make a person horny, or it can make them feel as sexual as a wet brick.
Why is Dr. Nagoski’s concept of the accelerator and brakes important? Because when we understand the things that lead to our feelings of arousal, or lack thereof, we are better positioned to offer grace and empathy to ourselves and our partners. It is often said that knowledge is power, and nowhere is that more accurate than in a relationship between two people who are aroused in different ways by different circumstances at different times.
As if the emotional and environmental contributors to the arousal inconsistency and confusion are not enough, it is also important that we understand that our bodies can betray our feelings. A penis owner’s erection is not always a sign of arousal. A vulva owner’s vaginal dryness is not always a sign of a lack of arousal. Our physiology can let us down and mislead our partners. That’s why erections and wetness are unreliable replacements for communication and enthusiastic consent. Don’t assume you know the answer because of that Penthouse Forum article you read with your buddies in high school. Ask the questions. Listen for the answers.
So all of this knowledge might qualify me as a substitute teacher in a ninth grade health class, but what is it doing in a blog about intimacy in an alcoholic relationship?
For an overwhelming number of people, nothing stomps on the brakes quite like the stress, trauma and chaos of alcoholism. Alcoholism causes people, drinkers and partners alike, to quite literally shut down sexually. When we are fighting for our sanity and our safety, arousal just isn’t on the radar.
As my drinking flowed from early 20s over-indulgence into habitual and medicinal routine of adult existence, my wife was less aroused less often. I blamed her for not trying hard enough or not loving me enough. I made a lack of arousal her problem without considering my role as a stumbling, sour-smelling turn off. Rather than engage in the actions that might have created in her desire, attraction and arousal, I called her names and accused her of ignoring the sexual part of her marital contract.
The lack of arousal led to feelings of rejection that led to more drinking that led to disgust, arguments, broken trust, more name calling, more drinking and destroyed any possibility of sexual arousal. My drinking built an impenetrable wall that I blamed my wife for not climbing.
As a result, we spent a lot of time in the pit of despair for decades.
But now we understand. Now we take actions with the brakes and accelerator in mind.
Sobriety didn’t fix anything, but it was a prerequisite. Sobriety, along with learning about arousal – both spontaneous and reactive – and a ton of patience, consistency, respect, empathy and a deep belief that while we are different, neither of us is sexually broken, has led us to a previously unimaginable place of emotional intimacy, physical intimacy and sexual satisfaction.
We can’t change the people around us. But it is amazing what can happen when we make the effort to understand them.
If you and your partner are ready to explore the damage alcohol did to your relationship, and you want to learn more about things that lead to arousal, or make arousal unlikely, please consider joining the Marriagevolution.