My Final Alcoholic Descent
My eyes blinked open. Before I could distinguish 3:07am from the blurry-red glow on my bedside table, a paralyzing wave of panic washed over me. A bucket of ice water thrown in my face would have been a more peaceful wakeup. Again! I had failed again! The Pit, as I called it, was more dark, deep, lonely, inescapable and depressing than ever. I had to start another week – another Monday morning – without a shred of pride or self esteem.
Once again, as I had in the middle of many nights before, I woke my wife, Sheri, in a panic. She was painfully used to the drill. She assured me that nothing had happened. I’d merely had a couple too many beers. We hadn’t had an argument. I hadn’t harmed the children or shown hostility toward my wife. Instead, I had sulked around looking sad, then gone to bed without saying goodnight.
Sheri’s words did nothing to slow my racing thoughts of utter self-loathing. I might have spared my family emotional distress, but I had suffered yet another complete emotional collapse myself. I wanted to be dead.
Sundays were a slow, despicable descent from a calm and joyful place to the gates of hell. Sheri is the children’s minister at our church, so skipping Sunday morning service is not an option for the Salis Six. I enjoy church. It is as close as my mind comes all week to a place of peace. I can’t work or empty the dishwasher or mow the lawn. It is mandated tranquility. To think that I would go from this state of near-serenity to the darkest of self-hating hopelessness in seventeen hours is still hard for me to understand. It was my weekly dissolution into The Pit.
One of the most common defining characteristics of a drinker in deep trouble is the attempt to follow self-imposed drinking rules. I knew something was wrong. I knew I drank too much, yet I futilely tried to control the uncontrollable. I spent a decade establishing, trying to follow, amending, bending, reworking, occasionally adhering to, altering and ultimately breaking my rules. My last version of my drinking rules did not allow for any hard alcohol – I allowed myself only wine and my most beloved beverage – beer. I drank mostly strong and bitter imperial pale ales. I did not allow myself to drink at all on Mondays, Tuesdays or Wednesdays (a rule I managed to follow most, but certainly not all, of the time). I didn’t allow myself to drink in the morning or during work (there was the rare pre-game tailgate and certainly Christmas morning mimosas couldn’t be resisted). I allowed myself only six beers a day…unless it was a special occasion…like a holiday or we were going out with friends or a date night or sporting event or if something stressful happened or if the wind was out of the south…only then would I have more than a six-pack.
As I enjoyed the third of my six Sunday IPAs, I entered the danger zone. Since the start of the week was a dry period for me, this was it. The party was almost over. Stopping after six would be the most challenging thing I did all week. Sometimes I was successful. It did not take much, however, to send me over the edge with reckless abandon for my self-defined limits. On this particular Sunday, the “not much” was a phone call from my fourteen-year-old daughter, Cathryn. She was at a movie with some friends, and the group decided to go to dinner after the movie. Cathryn was supposed to come straight home after the movie, and she did not put up much of a fight with her friends and insist that she be dropped off. Sure, it was a school night, but even after dinner she would still be home by eight o’clock. It was as innocent and inconsequential as a change of plans could be. She did not call and say she decided to go drink and smoke weed with a boy we had never met. She was going for a bite to eat with a few of her best friends and some of their moms.
After reluctant acceptance of Cathryn’s change in plans that was not without a brief over-the-phone lecture from her dear-old-dad, I practically ran to the basement to get a seventh beer. This oh-so-minor conflict was all it took. The rules were off. Part of my often-futile strategy to only drink six beers on Sunday was to have only six in the refrigerator. So, my exceedingly minor-turmoil-driven seventh beer was room temperature. I did not care. It tasted exactly like relief from the harsh constraints I had put on my ability to drink on a Sunday night. At the same time, it tasted like another Sunday of failure. Even as the stress of stopping drinking drained from my body, it was replaced with the terror of what was to come. Another free-fall descent into The Pit had begun. Total debilitating depression awaited me at the bottom.
I almost welcomed the failure of beer number seven. It was like opening the floodgates. If that rule was broken, how about the one about not drinking any hard liquor? Sheri did not really know that the most recent version of my Sunday rules had a six-beer cutoff. I didn’t think she had counted that night, anyway. I was confident she didn’t realize I was currently drinking a foamy 70-degree glass of bitter grossness. I was 100% certain, however, that Sheri knew I had sworn off hard alcohol as part of my success plan as an active alcoholic. So, taking straight pulls off of a room temperature gin bottle would have to be done in secret. Since the bottle was at the top of the kitchen pantry, and my wife and three of my four kids were roaming the house post dinner, I would have to be quick and careful. This just meant fast gulpy chugs of straight warm gin when I did not think anyone was coming. It tasted despicable and necessary at the same time. Something had gone wrong. I had stepped out of bounds. Now I was looking for the numbness that an 80 proof bottle promised in short order. I would hate myself in the morning. Might as well kill, not ease, but kill the pain of failure for now.
A couple more warm beers and a couple more hard draws on face-puckering throat-burning poison and my failure was complete. Nighty-night, Matt. I’ll hate you with every ounce of my being in the morning.
So there I was just after 3am Monday awake and in a full blown anxiety attack. Sheri tried to help. While she could not possibly understand what was going on inside my poison-warped brain, she had experienced this panic enough times to navigate the shark infested seas without chumming the water. She spoke softly and calmly. Now was not the time to express her disappointment. Besides, Sheri knew she could never be as disappointed in me as I was in myself. I did not want to face my responsibilities in a couple of hours. There was no way I could sleep. I wished for death from the bottom of the deepest imaginable abyss of despair. I prayed although I knew exactly what God wanted me to do to escape my hell on earth. My rules did not work. There was only one way to get out – get out and stay out – of The Pit.
I had to do what seemed incomprehensible. I had to quit.
[…] morning after my last night of drinking began like so many such mornings before it. The agonizing stress and pain of failure consumed […]
I cannot tell you how pleased I am to NOT have to wake in the morning with the horrible sickness and memory loss from having chugged down way more wine than I had intended to do.
Waking up in the early hours of the morning with anxiety and the depression that grips me when the sun comes up.
Now I get up at 6:am go for a 5 klm run and stop at my favourite cafe for a delicious hot comforting post run coffee! This is now my best time of day I love it and from there things seem to go along rather well mostly.
I so relate to your story and all that comes with it. I have to say to anyone who is struggling with alcohol – you don’t need it – it is a false belief. It is over 2 years since I changed my relationship with alcohol and my challenge now is discovering my identity. This is ok as I negotiate a new path at 59 years of age! It’s never too late!
It is never too late, and I wish you luck with your journey. Thanks for reading!
I so appreciate your honesty and insight.
I think I just had MY last night. I woke up this morning with no memory of the wild sex my husband said we had. No memory! I walked around the house trying to trigger a minuscule of the previous night. Nothing…
I am all too familiar with waking up after a night of blackout drinking (so are millions of people who may or may not admit it). Usually, I woke to hear about the argument my wife and I had. I’ve been there, and I can tell you for sure, where I am now is much, much better. Good luck, Barbara, and remember that we are all in this together.
I have had too many nights that I don’t fall asleep, I pass out. And in the morning I don’t wake up, I “come to.” I keep trying to stop, the longest I have ever made it is 2 weeks. I completely understand the drinking to “kill the pain of failure.” And I don’t just mean failure to stop drinking. I stopped smoking back in my early 20’s. It felt so wonderful to kick that habit. Why can’t I stop drinking? I understand my brain is completely wired to “think alcohol.” I listened to your pod cast, listened to “my story,” and every time I heard the word alcohol, I wanted a drink. SAD! SICK!
It is so complex and diabolical, Susan. I’m eager to share everything I know about this disease with you.
[…] am often asked by devastated and hopeless readers who suffer in the pit of alcoholic despair how I quit drinking. The how is very complicated, but this is the most […]
[…] made me admit the truth and tell the world about my addiction? The pain became too intense. The pit of despair got too deep. My hopelessness was complete. I no longer wanted to live. Looking back, I […]
[…] sweat and gasping a little to catch my breath. This physical sensation was very common for me the morning after over-drinking in the last few years of active alcoholism, but something I have not experienced in […]
[…] is as important to my sobriety as remembering the painful lessons of the past – failures and near misses […]
[…] has the nerve to lecture on the subject of human decency. Maybe we have to reach the deepest pit of despair to shed our ego and find our compassion. Maybe we have to be on the brink of losing […]
[…] explain because it is an indescribable hopelessness. And there we sat – a few weeks away from my last drink – wallowing in the depths of my […]
[…] For the last few years of my active alcoholism, I came to know the most wretched, dark, and debilitating alcohol-induced depression I called, “The Pit.” […]
[…] into a daily habit in young adulthood, and metastasized into alcoholism as I plummeted into the pit of debilitating alcohol-induced […]
[…] asked me about my rock bottom. I told him about that and the many times I relapsed before I finally made it over the daunting and […]
[…] and I were tight. Perhaps never more so than when I was deep in the pit of debilitating depression resulting from heavy alcohol consumption. I talked to God incessantly, and I know He listened and […]
[…] gets a result, but it is rarely the desired outcome. Divorce, families ripped apart and spiraling deeper into the abyss of alcoholism are tragically common when we follow our instincts to treat the disease that causes […]
[…] that heavy consumption of alcohol programs anxiety into our craniums. Otherwise, how do we explain waking in a panic in the wee hours of the morning in a cold sweat with a racing heart and shortness of breath. We […]
I’m really thankful for your vulnerability and for sharing your story with us.
I’ve loved beer for the last 40 years and came to realize I am an alcoholic about 10 years ago.
Almost two years ago I woke up not feeling well on a Monday morning, after way too many on both Saturday and Sunday.
I stood up to ask my wife to take me to the ER because I knew something wasn’t right. The next thing I remember is finding myself on the floor after passing out and throwing up so much blood it looked like a crime scene.
Since then I’ve had five banding procedures on my esophagus to control the bleeding, countless MRI’s. I’m on a liver transplant list and I still drink.
Up until four days ago.
This is another beginning for me and I want to believe that I have the tools and resources along with a great group of friends who know my story and an amazing counselor who all want me to succeed.
I’ve named my addiction Judas because he has lied to and deceived me for years. What he promised hasn’t come true.
So far, 12 step programs haven’t worked for me but nothing else really has either.
My wife and I, after 30 years of marriage, are getting separated. My 21 year old son confessed to me a couple of weeks ago that he has a drinking problem. I took him to his first AA meeting.
I haven’t been a blackout drinker since I was in my 20’s but 6-12 beers a night had been a regular thing for me for many years. I’ve never been violent or outwardly abusive but my drinking caused me to isolate from my loved ones. I see now that I am guilty of neglecting them and not putting them first.
I too am highly functioning and I think this has actually scared people away from talking to me about it. If someone who seemingly has it so together can confess to being an alcoholic what does that mean for them?
My wife was the childcare director at our church for 14 yrs. and I am still on staff as a minister there.
One of the hardest things for me to overcome was my pride and the fear of what others in our church would think of me if they knew. Unfortunately many churches are not a safe place to expose our struggles but by God’s grace we are in one that is.
I started reading your articles just last week and plan to use the Guide to Early Sobriety pages to help start my bibliotherapy.
Thanks again for coming out. I know you are encouraging many others like myself to do the same since this is the first blog or post I’ve written exposing myself outside my circle of friends.
You can do this, Jeff. I just know you can. Like me, it sounds like you bring a strong connection to God into your recovery. One of the reasons AA was never an option for me was because of the mantra, “Let go and let God.” They seem to be building a spiritual relationship around recovery. I feel like God was already with me every step of the way and every beer I drank. He didn’t want me to turn anything over to Him, He was guiding me to get strong, follow Him and get healthy.
I hope you find as much relief from reading in the evenings as I do. I’ll be pulling for your and praying for you – and your son, too!
Thanks for your encouragement. You are right on about looking for God in the meetings. We know we are all looking and in need but going there and having that as opposed to searching for it there is significant.
Thanks for thinking of and praying for my son. His name is Austin.
I’m glad to hear back from you Jeff. I hope you’ll keep me updated about your progress in recovery, and Austin’s progress, too. I’ll keep praying in the meantime.
I guess was fortunate in that I never had the ability to drink more than 6 beers, plus all I ever drank was Budweiser, not nearly as strong as an IPA. After the last of the 6- pack I was always ravenous with hunger and would usually eat an entire pizza before falling asleep in front of the TV. Not the greatest way to live. Funny though, 5 years after quitting alcohol, and no longer consuming those 600-900 liquid calories of beer a day, I only lost about 20 pounds of the 60 I needed to lose. I guess I’m addicted to pizza too…
In the recovery world, that’s called harm reduction – it’s a lot better to have an active addiction to pizza than to alcohol. Thanks for your story and your support, Mark. I know how much better you’ve felt these last five years. Keep it up!