Numbers

I went for a walk in socks and sandals.

I remember when I used to see old men in socks and sandals, and think how sad that was. How sad that they were oblivious to the unfashionableness of their choice of footwear.

It was an epiphany for me to realize that old men do know how unfashionable socks are with sandals. They just don’t give a shit what people think about them. Wow, I thought. They aren’t oblivious, they’re ambivalent. And ambivalence is a powerful indicator of self-actualization.

While on my walk, I passed a fit and seemingly healthy woman in her late 20s or early 30s taking selfies in her short-shorts. I am not sure if she noticed my socks and sandals. I was a bit more subdued and less performative in my public presentation than her. Not only was I not embarrassed about my footwear, but I felt bad for her – that she needed so much aesthetic approval to boost her confidence.

The pity I felt for her is a sign that I still have a way to go toward self-actualization. I don’t think enlightened people are judgemental, are they? Judging others is still a favorite pastime of mine, even though I have transitioned from making fun of socks with sandals to the person wearing them.

Self-actualization – the tippy-top triangle of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs – is all about confidence, and confidence is all about numbers. For the woman I encountered on my walk, she needs lots of women to be secretly jealous and lots of men to secretly masterbate to her pictures.

Numbers are everywhere in our society, and we all chase them. Money, likes, friends, employees who report to us, wins, cars, clothes, views, reads, downloads. Nomadic hunters and gatherers measured self-confidence in a binary question about whether or not they ate on a given day. Now we have infinite sticks against which we can measure success – and while all the numbers impact our self-confidence, none of they lead to lasting, sustained peace and contentment like a belly full of deer meat and wild berries. These days, confidence is like a water bucket with a hole in it – a perpetually draining numbers game.

Until we are comfortable taking a walk in socks and sandals.

True, lasting confidence, and the quest for self-actualization, depend on numbers too. But the numbers are inverted. It is not about quantity, it is about the number, “one.”

We can only engage in one interaction at a time. We can only give one person, one situation, one dilemma, or one goal our attention. The myth of multitasking has been scientifically debunked. Research indicates that some people are better than others at switching from task to task, but in any given moment, we are only able to concentrate on one thing. So the pursuit of self-actualization is all about getting comfortable with the one thing at hand.

I wear socks with sandals. In public. I am in the game. I am in the aforementioned pursuit. I am not perfect. I am not there yet. I count my readers and listeners. I check my bank account and consider what my investments mean for my future ability to stop counting and start enjoying. But I have made enough progress to appreciate that the counting of numbers is a waste of time. I’ll never be rich, but I’ll always have enough. I have half-a-century of evidence to confirm that for me, a fixation on numbers is a waste of time.

Unless, of course, that number is one.

Joy doesn’t come from my Wells Fargo app. Joy comes from interacting with people who share my struggles and know my pain. When I am emailing with a listener, I am not thinking about how many listeners I have, I am thinking about how that one listener’s situation compares and contrasts with mine so I can effectively demonstrate empathy and understanding. That’s all.

When I am interacting with my wife, I am not wishing I had a harem. When I am teaching my youngest to drive, I am not longing to become a driving instructor to the masses. When I am coaching my soccer team, I am not wishing I had a more prestigious team to coach. And when I am communicating with a reader, my authenticity doesn’t depend on my reader count. I am in the moment. I am doing my best, giving my best, and trying to squeeze the best outcome from the engagement.

And when I let money worries or readership worries or worries about the number of people engaged in our groups gnaw at me from the back corners of my mind, I do a two-fold disservice. I let the numbers gnaw holes into my self-confidence, and I let my lack of self-confidence impair my interaction with the one thing or situation for which I have in-the-moment bandwidth. My wife, my kids, my team, and my followers all suffer. One at a time.

And I suffer, too.

So thanks for reading or listening. You. Yes, you.

Maybe you are in the pit, and trying to extract yourself from the trauma and chaos. Maybe you are further down the road toward self-actualization. Either way, I have legitimate, authentic empathy and understanding for you in your situation.

And the next time you take a walk on a cool spring morning, try socks with those sandals, and leave the selfies to the noobs who think there is a number more satisfying than one.

This essay is from the “Underlying Issues Series.” Just because I have moved past alcohol doesn’t mean I don’t have lots of  room for growth, and lots of underlying issues to explore. If you are down with getting to the bottom of your stuff, and you have left addiction behind, too, please consider joining our group of growth explorers in SHOUT Sobriety.

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