Tag: connection

Red-Eye

Underlying Issues Series By Matt Salis, MPS 6 Comments

Red-Eye

* Underlying Issues Series

 

I forgot my earbuds, which was ironic since I spent 2 ½ hours on video calls on the day of departure about the dangers of the constant distractions of technology. We were taking the red-eye to Miami, so I needed to sleep rather than watch Insta reels anyway. My wife offered me lavender spray to put on my wrists to help me relax. We’ve been married 27 years, and she still loves me enough to waste her breath with that offer.

 

Our seats backed up to the bulkhead which cost us that glorious two inches of recline that might have facilitated sleep. I eventually emerged from my groggy, uncomfortable head bobbing and got pretty excited about watching a sunrise from 35k feet. After a cold-water sink splash and a Peet’s in the airport, the terror about losing a night of sleep gave way to something different with the plane from Miami over the shallow waters of the Caribbean in January. The transition was like whiplash without the neck brace.

 

I don’t know if what I felt was peacefulness, since I’m unfamiliar, so let’s use what feels like a watered-down descriptor like contentment. My feet were in the cool, off-white sand as I watched the Atlantic waves gently lap the shore. It was a few ambient degrees over 70 with a noticeable breeze, and the sun warmed my skin through a wispy cloud layer. I was keenly aware that any combination of a one-degree drop in temperature, a slightly stiffer wind, or a minor thickening of the clouds, and the glorious warmth would have turned uncomfortably chilly. I was on the razor’s edge of bliss, and the tenuousness of it all was not lost on me.

Pals

Alcoholism, Family By Matt Salis, MPS 4 Comments

Pals

My freshman year in college I was assigned to a dorm floor that also housed two Indiana University offensive lineman. On Sundays, the dorm cafeteria was closed, and the three of us often went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ryan’s Steakhouse. My two football friends would eat for hours. I could not keep up. I would eat a hearty, gluttonous lunch, study for a couple of hours at our table, then reload and force down an early dinner. Two big meals for the price of one. It was not close to the most unhealthy habit I developed during my first year in college, and it was friendly to my quite limited budget.

 

This past Sunday was the first time since 1992 that I sat in a restaurant long enough to eat a meal and get hungry again.

Hugs

Underlying Issues Series By Matt Salis, MPS 3 Comments

Hugs

*Underlying Issues Series

 

He was coming at me covered in sweat. It wasn’t just his sweat. It was his sweat and his opponent’s sweat and the sweat of dozens of others who came before him. His arms were open wide and his smile was as big as my sudden panic. He was no longer walking. He trotted toward me, bouncing in victory, droplets spraying from his face, arms and shoulders. I was so proud. I love him so much. But he was…well…soggy.

I Might Be Getting Fired

Alcoholism, Intimacy, Unashamed By Matt Salis, MPS 16 Comments

I Might Be Getting Fired

I might be getting fired.

 

I’ve never been fired before. Now that the likelihood looms, I actually feel guilty that I have made it 51 years without doing anything important enough to threaten the narrow minded among us.

 

***

 

My first job was scooping ice cream one town over from where I lived in high school. I was eventually promoted to ice cream maker, and it was probably the best job I’ve ever had. I ate unlimited ice cream and made my own hours with one guiding responsibility: never let the freezers run out of any of the flavors. I tried to stir the thick, sweet rum syrup for the rum raisin ice cream into cups of fountain Coca-Cola. It tasted like shit, and I had to slurp it more than drink it, but it gave me the naughty little kick teenagers brag about to their classmates. I left that job to work at Sam Goody, a music store selling CDs and tapes. Even though I had to wear a tie and work in the mall, music was way cooler than ice cream for a high schooler. Drudgery quickly replaced coolness as I was tasked with alphabetizing all day, everyday. Put out the new shipments, restock returned CDs and tapes and fix the disorder created by careless shoppers who clearly didn’t know their ABCs. That job sucked, and it made me feel like a criminal when the manager patted me down after every shift, or even when I went to the food court for a Wetzel’s Pretzel.

I Know Your Secret

Alcoholism, Recovery By Matt Salis, MPS No Comments

I Know Your Secret

I know your secret.

 

At least, I know that it is one of a handful of possibilities that my wife and I have either lived through ourselves, or witnessed dozens (maybe hundreds) of time with others.

 

What would happen if you told you secret?

 

I can all but guarantee that your worst fear would never come true. They aren’t going to shame you or reject you or fire you or turn their backs on you.

Intimacy Series: What a Turn On

Alcoholism, Intimacy, Recovery By Matt Salis, MPS No Comments

What a Turn On

When it comes to sex, my wife, Sheri, could dump a bucket of ice down my pants, and I’d still be ready to go.

 

I despise ambiguity and hidden meanings, and there is no room in this message for subtlety. So rather than bury the lead, let’s get right after it.

 

I experience spontaneous arousal. I can be changing the filter on our furnace while listening to a recording of a gospel choir singing “Amazing Grace,” and if the wind shifts out of the northwest in my basement, I am turned on. I don’t really listen to gospel music (I’m more of a Broadway show tunes kind of guy), and the last time I checked, our basement is almost entirely wind free. But that’s not the point. The point is that I don’t have to be doing something sexy to be ready for sexy time.

Intimacy Series: The Rejection Inherent in Consent

Alcoholism, Intimacy, Recovery By Matt Salis, MPS No Comments

The Rejection Inherent in Consent

Perhaps the worst prevailing relationship advice is that women in committed romantic partnerships should feel compelled to have sex with their partners, whether they want to or not. Let me say this in no uncertain terms:

 

Obligatory sex destroys relationships.

 

It doesn’t matter if she is giving him sex because she is told it is her duty by the church, their couples counselor, societal messaging, some study in a magazine, endless cinematic rom-coms, some call-in radio psychologist, cultural arranged marriage practices, the family court system, or even her own mom. Consenting to unwanted sex is the absolute enemy of trust building, and it is toxic to the very connection we seek in pursuing sex in the first place.

 

You might be easily convinced that obligatory sex isn’t fulfilling for the woman who feels obliged. But here’s the counterintuitive part: Obligatory sex is even worse, in the long run, for the person who is asking for it.

Intimacy Series: Another Mother or a Lover?

Alcoholism, Intimacy By Matt Salis, MPS 6 Comments
Attraction?
Attraction or Contempt?

One of the worst days of our marriage, for both Sheri and me, was July 14, 2021. Since we are a couple who experienced my active alcoholism for 25 years, you might be surprised to learn I was four-and-a-half years sober on that traumatic day. Even without alcohol, Sheri and I make occasional trips back into the pit of hell with emotional relationship relapses.

 

Relationship relapses often spin out of control as both partners revert to deflection, manipulation, overreaction and self-protection – all skills learned during active addiction. But before we pull out the old tools of dysfunction, there has to be a spark. An impetus. A new or refreshed wound around which the spiraling decline can revolve.

 

On July 14, 2021, I was hurt because Sheri no longer found me attractive.

Evolution Series: There Was Before and then There Was After

Alcoholism, Evolution Series, Marriage By Karli Illes No Comments

There Was Before and then There Was After

We lie to ourselves and others about minor things, major things, and all the things in between. There was before, then there was after, and again, everything in between.

 

The things we wished we had said and the things we ended up saying that weren’t quite right and didn’t land the way we wished they would, and possibly their feelings wouldn’t have been so hurt, or there wouldn’t have been such a misunderstanding if only the words had been right.

 

But the right words are for the right situations, and when things are messy, and misunderstandings are already the tapestry that has been laid, that encloses and surrounds a relationship, it doesn’t seem to matter how one says anything.

Our Most Popular Words Ever

Alcoholism, Recovery By Matt Salis, MPS No Comments

Our most popular words ever.

“If we don’t find the trust we’ve never known, I’m not sure how we can continue.”

 

I wrote those words five years ago as part of the most popular post ever published on the Sober and Unashamed blog. The post is titled, “Inevitability of an Alcoholic Divorce.” I was about two-and-a-half years into recovery at the time, and I didn’t see how our marriage would survive sobriety. I remember that feeling like it was yesterday. Do you know what that feels like?

 

Our marriage did survive. In fact, it is thriving like I never thought possible. Our partnership is working because we both individually found the self-esteem to love ourselves so we could love and trust each other. And we found the self-esteem through vulnerability and authenticity. We talked honestly and we listened. To each other, but more importantly, to lots of other people. And our vulnerability was rewarded in ways we never imagined.