Intimacy Series: Trust that Orgasms Matter
When Harry Met Sally is an iconic movie with a star-studded cast, and is arguably the best flick from the classic era of late 20th century rom-coms. But it is not best known for the romance, or even the comedy.
It is best known for the orgasm scene.
Meg Ryan shattered the stigma by both discussing and depicting orgasm in a non-pornographic way. She took one of the most taboo subjects in our culture, and flashed it on the silver screen – fully clothed, and earning only an R rating.
And while our society tipped our collective cap to Ms. Ryan and the movie’s writer and director, like the groundhog who sees his shadow, we all crawled back into our little hovels unwilling to discuss the climax of the sexual response cycle in polite company for at least a few more decades. Or maybe forever.
But no one has ever accused me of being polite, and I am both a sucker for a good rom-com, and inspired by Meg Ryan’s boldness. So I am going to join Esther Perel and Emily Nagoski and talk about orgasm – not just in scientific papers in medical journals, but in a pop-culture setting on the vast and open interweb.
But why? What does orgasm have to do with alcoholism? This is a blog about recovering from addiction to alcohol, isn’t it? Is this just a shock-factor puff-piece intended to draw eyeballs to a click-bait title?
Through decades of experience and years of research about the impact of alcoholism on relationships, I have learned that there is a clear correlation between mutually sexually satisfying orgasm and trust. And trust is the relationship component most devastated by alcoholism. Trust, along with physical intimacy, are usually the last components of a partnership to be restored in relationship recovery.
When a couple is deep into relationship repair work, trust and physical intimacy are both typically elusive. I am not suggesting that all couples in relationship repair are sexually inactive (although research shows that many couples afflicted by alcoholism do not have sex even years into recovery). I am suggesting that even when couples engage in sexual activity, there is a lack of physical intimacy. Intimacy is much more than penile-vaginal penetration. Intimacy is a feeling of connection, longing, safety and trust. There’s that pesky word again: trust. It is quite common for one or both partners in a relationship to engage in sex without intimacy. Quite honestly, sex without intimacy in a committed, long-term partnership can be one of the most painful experiences the couple can endure.
Often, there is a bit of a chicken-or-the-egg phenomenon taking place in relationship recovery. People often feel like they cannot open themselves back up and freely give their bodies over to their partners until trust is fully reestablished. On the other hand, there is arguably no more tangible demonstration of total trust than to experience emotional intimacy, physical intimacy and sexual satisfaction with another human. By waiting for complete trust to be restored, we are ignoring a valuable tool for trust building: pushing past insecurities and using a practice of physical intimacy to help build trust in the relationship.
Let me be super clear that I am not suggesting that a person in an alcoholic relationship (or any relationship for that matter) give it up for the unilateral pleasure of their partner. There is rejection inherent in unenthusiastic consent. Coerced or reluctant sexual contact does way more harm than good if the goal is relationship recovery and trust building. I am not suggesting a one-way pleasure street with guilt and disgust going in the other direction. Sadly, there are lots of trained therapists who still suggest sacrificial sexual contact. Avoid following such advice regardless of which side of the relationship equation you are on. Unilaterally pleasurable sex will lead to major setbacks in relationship repair.
What I am suggesting is that a practice that leads to emotional intimacy can lead to physical intimacy. And working on physical intimacy can lead to sexual satisfaction. And finally, mutual sexual satisfaction has a high rate of correlation with trust.
Rebuilding trust feels like this nebulous, inarticulable goal without specific steps or tactics or milestones. I’ll know when I know that I trust you. And right now, the only thing I know is that the trust between us is broken. Does that sound familiar? If so, please know that there are a lot of things that go into trust building, and that getting naked and jumping in the sack is not the first initiative.
Trust takes time. Trust requires replacing bad memories with good. Trust means commitments kept, over and over again, for years. Trust relies on both physical and emotional safety – consistently and without exception. Trust builds from prioritizing the relationship over every other responsibility and distraction. Trust is not a month, or even a year, of sobriety. Trust is a long game with peaceful consistency at its very core.
But trust building often plateaus, or even stagnates, in relationship recovery. We adjust to peaceful cohabitation. We become roommates with intertwined lives and shared bank accounts. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard people describe the particular aspects of their relationships in which they trust their partners – trust in things like fidelity, chores, finances and childcare – but then go on to say they still don’t trust their partners completely.
Complete trust. That results from mutually satisfying physical intimacy. Or maybe such physical intimacy results from trust. I’m not sure it matters which comes first. What I am certain of is that intentional forward motion toward one can lead to successful attainment of both.
These are not just the findings of my experience and research. There is science behind these assertions. Especially with males, sexual satisfaction relies on what is called, “the partner effect.” Delivering an orgasm for our partners, in conjunction with our own orgasms, is far more sexually satisfying than a solo orgasm. Certainly there are other aspects of sexual contact that lead to satisfaction, but there is no greater single indicator of satisfaction than orgasm. The research goes on to conclude that sexual satisfaction leads to self-esteem.
And when it comes to recovery from alcoholism, both individual recovery and relationship repair, there is nothing more important than self-esteem.
So how do you get from your trust plateau to complete trust and intimacy?
Maybe you are like Sheri and me, with years of damaging, unenthusiastic sexual contact that prioritized unilateral orgasm, and the resulting dopamine hit, over true intimacy. For a long time, I thought ours was the harder to come back from. So much damage done from years or pursuit of gratification without mutual satisfaction. But now I am not so sure. I have been trusted with the intimate details of hundreds of relationships impacted by alcoholism, and the other path – complete abstinence from sexual contact – seems to pose just as great a challenge to a return to mutually satisfying physical intimacy. Restarting something you have not attempted for years, or decades, is daunting. And me saying that it is, “just like riding a bike,” does not appear to be helpful advice.
My conclusion is that just like with most things alcoholism-recovery related, you can choose your hard. Sexual contact through the trauma of addiction and early sobriety, or sexual abstinence during and after alcoholism – they both have major obstacles to overcome in recovery. Obstacles that won’t overcome themselves no matter how patient and consistent you are. They are obstacles that require diligent and repeated effort.
It is called the, “work,” of recovery, not the, “wait,” of recovery or, “hope,” of recovery or, “reluctant acceptance,” of recovery. We have to be willing to roll up our sleeves, or take off our clothes, and do the work. Early on, recovery might mean reading or attending meetings or nervous system regulation or resentment processing, but eventually, if we want to get our relationship unstuck, the work of recovery means an intentional and consistent practice to rebuild intimacy with a goal of enhancing trust.
So what specifically does intimacy work look like? It looks like improved communication with an emphasis on listening over talking. It looks like non-sexual touching with no attached expectations. It looks like reading the helpful words of people who get it – reading those words out loud together, and having a conversation about the assertions and how they relate to your experiences. It looks like talking specifically about sex no matter how thorough your indoctrination that talking about sex is taboo. It looks like an intentional practice to have fun together that is not related to work or the kids or responsibilities or sex. Just innocent, wholesome, inexpensive fun. It looks like getting naked and trusting each other with your bodies – that you will respect and nurture and protect and care for each other even in your most vulnerable condition. And eventually, when the work of recovery has built trust between you that prepares you adequately for the leap of faith, it looks like mutual orgasm. And then consistent commitment to mutual orgasm on a regular basis because you understand that emotional intimacy, physical intimacy and sexual satisfaction are inextricably woven into the trust in your partnership.
None of what I am suggesting is easy. Publications often peg the divorce rate somewhere around 50%, and I’ve seen research that suggests people divorce at a rate 20% higher when the relationship experiences addiction. So the odds are against us all. I hope you accept the challenge rather than crumble in the inevitability of defeat.
That’s what Sheri and I did. We accepted the challenge to find a way to restore trust and mutual sexual satisfaction to our marriage. I am thrilled that we have now experienced a full year without any form of relationship relapse. No yelling. No name calling. No vindictive blaming. It was a year where we faced our share of challenges – challenges to our relationship and challenges to each of us individually. But we leaned hard on our self-esteem, the consistent safety we established in the relationship, and a regular practice of prioritizing physical intimacy with mutual orgasm. It all mattered. We trusted each other. Completely.
Whether there is hope for your existing relationship, or you will take your lessons learned into your next relationship, please know that trust is achievable even after alcoholism. Humaning is hard. Humaning with another human is even harder. Don’t be discouraged. Take a lesson from the woman at the table next to Meg Ryan in the infamous orgasm scene in When Harry Met Sally and say, “I’ll have what she’s having.”
If you and your partner are ready to do the consistent work of relationship recovery, please consider joining us in the Marriagevolution.