Momentum

If I parallel park my manual transmission Jeep on a hill, I turn the wheel so that one of the front tires is digging into the curb. I was taught this maneuver as a teenager so that if the parking brake fails, and it pops out of first gear, the curb will keep the vehicle from rolling down the hill.

If I don’t turn the wheel, and in the unlikely event that both the parking brake and transmission fail and the Jeep starts rolling, five miles per hour is plenty of speed to send the vehicle careening over the same curb, doing thousands of dollars of damage and potentially injuring or killing someone.

My Jeep weighs two tons. Stationary, the curb is strong enough to hold it. With just a little momentum, however, the curb is no match.

I often find myself in an “inspiration” loop in a social media algorithm. I have recently heard Tom Brady, Jerry Seinfeld, Kobe Bryant, Warren Buffett and Roger Federer independently deliver the exact same message about momentum. Success is not derived from talent. It is derived from commitment, persistence, dedication and hard work. These legends in their fields aren’t better than their competition. They are just better at maintaining momentum.

In preparation to sell the house we’ve lived in for the past 20 years, we painted every room this past winter. I noticed when painting the last couple of rooms how much more precise my free-hand cutting of paint lines had become, and how much faster the process of painting the ceiling, trim and walls three different shades of white was compared to when I started the project months earlier. The improvement was remarkable and measurable. The improvement was due to my momentum.

Sobriety requires momentum. For the ten years that I bounced back and forth between active addiction and periods of sobriety, I never gained momentum in recovery work. I was sober for months at a time, but I wallowed in shame from my drunken antics, and shame because I lacked the willpower to successfully moderate my drinking.

But once I committed to a routine that included reading and writing and interacting, my recovery picked up just enough speed to bounce over the curbs that had previously led to relapse. I had momentum.

The partners of sober alcoholics tell us often that they felt like widows to alcohol, and now they feel like widows to their partners’ recovery work. I get that. It is a legitimate frustration. But when it comes to successful recovery, I am afraid the prioritization of the work over important relationships is a necessary evil. For a while, anyway. It is the prioritization of recovery work in early sobriety that leads to the prioritization of family over everything else in long-term sobriety. Successful recovery requires momentum.

Celebrities and sports icons credit the momentum of hard work for their success. Alcoholics who put their addictions in remission understand the value of momentum of hard work. Examples, statistics, and testimonials to the value of momentum are all around us – unavoidable and unmistakable.

Which is why it is such an interesting flaw of human behavior that we don’t seem to value momentum in our relationships. Is it ingrained and genetic? Is it influenced by gender? Is it societally conditioned by cultural messaging?

Regardless of the inspiration, the detrimental result of the lack of positive momentum in relationships is undeniable.

Momentum requires consistency. When we take a person for granted, we lose the motivation to behave consistently.

The legal ramifications of marriage, the financial strings of cohabitation, the custody complications of parenting, and the lethargy of humans in routines all work together to remove the negative consequences of a lack of positive momentum in relationships. Divorce and separation are hard and costly. It is much easier to stay together, even when it is not fulfilling. We don’t take each other for granted because we are bad people. We take each other for granted because we grow comfortable with the idea that our partner is not willing to work hard enough to impose consequences for inconsistency. In so many ways, our society makes it far easier to be miserable in the status quo than to make a change.

What seems to escape our understanding, however, is that there is a third alternative. We can work for positive relational momentum, and escape the misery without blowing everything up.

Momentum in relationships is simple, but it is far from easy. It requires the same discipline it takes to become a sports star, comedy genius, or financial tycoon. We have to be willing to work to show respect, offer empathy, listen with compassion, and find compromise because we value the relationship. It is incredibly easy to fall into the trap of knowing our partner isn’t going anywhere, and using them to absorb all of our frustrations compiled interacting with the rest of the world. When we jerk unexpectedly from kindness to emotional abuse, we are taking our most important person for granted.

I was shocked when I first learned how many people there are in partnerships who have one foot out the door. If not for the aforementioned legal and cultural constraints, the divorce rate would probably be north of 80%. It is mind-blowing to consider the number of people who confuse a trapped partner for a partner expressing unconditional love. Unconditional romantic love doesn’t exist. Partnerships like marriage are by definition conditioned. Partners bring attributes to the relationship that attract each other. When attributes shift, conditions change, and relationships fail.

And momentum is the solution.

I will never forget the day I learned that my wife didn’t like me anymore. I had tormented our relationships with alcohol abuse for decades. I didn’t value her opinion, and I had the listening skills of a lava rock. I parented with a stern voice and an entitled righteousness. The only things about which I was curious was what was for dinner, and when we would next have sex. Looking back, there wasn’t much about me for her to like. I took her for granted. I loved her, and assumed she loved me, too. So ingrained was that assumption that I did nothing to consistently win her affection. I was sometimes volatile, sometimes funny, sometimes moody, and sometimes compassionate. I was unpredictable.

I had no momentum game.

Now I behave around my wife as if we are dating, and the next interaction is tenuous. I behave that way consistently, and the results are frankly glorious.

The reinforcing thing about momentum is that once it builds, it is relatively easy to maintain. Keep showing courtesy. Keep interacting with curiosity. Keep prioritizing her needs. Keep respecting her boundaries. All of that is much easier than trying to make up for intermittent questionable behavior with intermittent exemplary behavior.

Positive momentum can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I’m pretty sure my wife likes me now. I don’t ask, because I don’t want to get cocky or take her for granted. I just keep trying to win her over, day after day, week after week, and year after year.

Our house is for sale. I asked my wife how much we would have to raise the price to include her favorite cat as one of the appliances that comes with the house. She thought for a moment, then said defiantly, “Ten trillion dollars.” My son and I laughed hysterically. She added, “I’d throw you in for no extra money, just favorable closing date terms.” She was making a joke, but she was also serious. Her cat is practically priceless to her. But my value fluctuates. The good news is that thanks to my understanding of momentum, I am in control of the fluctuation of my value. When the rented moving truck pulls away from the curb, there is a good chance I will be driving it, and not duct taped to the refrigerator.

If you are or were an alcoholic like me, or if you are or were an inconsistent asshole, ask yourself the same question with which I had to come to terms: “Does my partner like me, or is she stuck with me?” Ask honestly, and think about which direction the momentum is going in your relationship. Is your momentum positive or negative?

I had a lot of trouble writing this piece. I firmly believe in the message, but I also know this is not an example of my best writing work. It is not particularly inspirational, not very funny, and lacks a shockingly vulnerable story (everyone knows my wife prefers my cat to me, so that is old news). I just didn’t have it today. But I had a window of time to write, I am a writer, and I wrote. That is consistency. That is effort. That is dedication. Even Tom Brady had three-interception games. But he kept playing. And he’s the goat. Not because he’s perfect.

Because of momentum.

If you would like some accountability partners to help enhance your momentum in recovery, please consider joining us in SHOUT Sobriety.

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