Soft Pillows
Audio version now available.
My wife, Sheri, and I just spent a long weekend with three couples. It was interesting to hear that we had all shared the same clear and decisive experience, without which, none of our marriages would have survived.
All four of us men were drinkers. All four of us men begged our wives to let us back in emotionally, and to comfort us as we tried to get sober. All four of our wives, after multiple attempts to be our soft pillows–to cushion the impact of early sobriety, finally stood by a hard boundary.
All four of our wives said enough was enough, and forced all four of us men to do it on our own.
After fighting off a panic attack while establishing the boundary, one of the women pulled to the side of the road and stared at her phone. She thought about calling, going back home, giving in and cushioning the blow of emotional detachment and physical separation. Instead, she gathered herself, and she drove on knowing that she did not know how her husband would react to her decision to prioritize her own needs and stop telling him it would be OK.
Knowing that she might never see him again.
(Hear the story in their own words on Untoxicated Podcast “Ep335 – Live from the Marriagevolution Retreat 2026” publish date February 16th).
Forget the details about setting the boundary, enforcing the boundary, and refusing to be the pillow on which another human landed. Forget the specifics. What all four women did was take necessary action even though it was hard.
We are surrounded by stimuli like no other time. Listen to another podcast. Read another book. Watch another video. Doom scroll for another hour, another day, another week, another month. Action can wait until knowledge and understanding is complete.
But the opportunity for inaction created by access to information is debilitating like at no time in history.
Add to that the geopolitical drama as alliances shift, trauma on our streets as constitutional norms are rejected, and the general malaise that comes with short days of winter, and it is a wonder why anyone ever gets out of bed.
If you want to avoid doing what you need to do, February of 2026 in the United States is your time and place.
This piece is short and hastily prepared because the writer who agreed to have me publish her writing changed her mind at the last minute. She was afraid her husband might read her real feelings. Rather than stare the conflict of authenticity and emotional uncertainty in the face, she pulled back. I know she feels hopeless. But what’s more hopeless than sparing her husband from her truth?
At the bottom of this essay, you will find a link to a survey that will help you understand the impact of alcohol or emotional abuse on your relationship. If you take the survey, as the drinker or the partner of the drinker, as the abused or as someone questioning the emotional safety of your actions, you will be provided with free resources. The resources include a phone or video call with an addiction and emotional abuse expert (me) who is eager to help you take action. Not just learn more, but act. Move forward toward the life you deserve.
This message is over. You have a choice to make. Google something new to read, or do something harder. The hard thing might get you unstuck. The next article or podcast will likely echo all the messages you’ve absorbed while you refused to take action.
I know that my message is harsh. This past weekend taught me how ineffective it is to be someone else’s soft pillow. Stop looking for debilitating reading material or videos to scroll. Take the survey. Take action. Take control of your own destiny.