Author: Matt Salis, MPS

An Open Letter to My Children

Alcohol and Kids, Sobriety By Matt Salis, MPS 8 Comments

An Open Letter to My Children

Audio version now available.

 

I made my kids watch Beautiful Boy, the 2018 Steve Carell and Timothee Chalamet movie about addiction. I also made my kids watch a CNN documentary about the internet-induced proliferation of pornography. My alcoholism was traumatizing to my wife and kids. I can’t erase the past, and I refuse to ignore it, so the only thing I can do is be a cycle breaker. But as my kids will tell you, the most traumatizing thing I have done to them might have been making family movie nights out of Beautiful Boy and a CNN porn documentary. To make matters worse, Chalamet’s character has the same name as my oldest son, and when my hair was shorter, I was constantly told how much I looked like Steve Carell. In fact, someone once brought me a life-sized cardboard cutout of Steve Carell promoting The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and I was once chased down a city street by a man screaming, “Hey The Office! You dat guy!” I have not shaved or had a respectable haircut since.

 

In spite of the trauma my insistence on confronting addiction with my kids has caused, I still feel like it was the right decision. We didn’t talk about this stuff when I was a kid – not in school and not at home. Nancy Reagan insisted that we, “Just say no,” to drugs, and there was a PSA where a fried egg represented my brain, but the only messaging around alcohol that I can remember was that we had to be sneaky until we were 21, so my friend, Brad, and I buried a styrofoam cooler in the woods behind his house and covered it with a piece of plywood with leaves glued to it.

 

Is talking about addiction with my children hard? Yes, absolutely, but it is also as important to unwanted-consequence prevention as talking about vegetables and condoms and exercise and seatbelts and identifying the arrogant stupidity of the sharp bulb.

Dance Like Everybody’s Watching

Alcoholism, Recovery, Self-Esteem By Matt Salis, MPS 6 Comments

Dance Like Everybody's Watching

Audio version now available.

 

Confidence comes from doing the things that require a little liquid courage without the liquid courage.

 

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How do you know if you need a few drinks to talk to women when every time you are in a situation conducive to initiating a conversation with the opposite sex that situation carries with it an expectation of alcohol consumption? I don’t remember needing liquid courage when I was a drinker, but I also don’t remember socializing sober.

Cabbage Overdose

Addiction, Recovery By Matt Salis, MPS 6 Comments

Cabbage Overdose

Audio version now available.

 

I cringe at the term, “addictive personality.” My personality is one of the only things not driving my addictions. My neurology and biology are certainly out to destroy me, but I prefer to think of my personality as warm and engaging, although perhaps a little overwhelming. I have been told by those closest to me on more than a few occasions that I am a lot. My personality is something to which no one has ever become addicted.

 

I prefer to think of myself as having a penchant for compulsivity. When I find things I like, I tend to embrace them with the tenacity of a locked-jaw pitbull. The fact that I spent a decade trying to moderate my consumption of alcohol is laughable. I can’t moderate anything I like. In fact, believe it or not, I recently overdosed on cabbage.

Who the f&@% is this guy?

Alcoholism, Marriage, Recovery By Matt Salis, MPS 1 Comment

Who the f&@% is this guy?

Audio version now available.

 

Most of the active or sober alcoholics who listen to our Untoxicated Podcast or read our Sober and Unashamed blog are referred to our stuff by their partners. In most cases, the partner has tried to implement some of what she has learned from our experiences into her own growth and recovery. This means that the majority of the alcoholics who are introduced to our stories are already feeling the pain of emotional detachment and a lack of compassion from their partners when they first find us.

 

Most of the referred alcoholics greet our words with the same question: “Who the fuck is this guy?” Sheri is not met with this level of venomous aggression. Maybe it is sexism, or maybe her fearlessness and confidence are obvious even to new listeners. Regardless, I think the portion of our audience that we enflame is wise to direct their aggression toward me as Sheri takes having no more fucks to give to a whole different level.

Accumulation

Alcoholism, Recovery By Matt Salis, MPS 10 Comments

Accumulation

Audio version now available.

 

I listened to a podcast interview of Anne Applebaum, a journalist and historian who has been, for the past 35 years, studying and writing about how budding aristocracies grab power and, eventually, destroy economies. I learned a lot and found the interview both fascinating and terrifying. But I missed some of what she said because I was distracted. I was distracted pondering the fact that I don’t have 35 years.

 

I study and write about intimacy and addiction. In 35 years I’ll be in my late 80s, and no one wants to read about sex from a person approaching the century mark, although Betty White cracked sex jokes all the way to the end. But I’ll be an old man, not an old woman, so where she sounded spunky and vibrant, I’ll just sound creepy and perverted.

 

The clarity of permanent sobriety is mostly a good thing. But the clarity brings with it a growing sense of lost potential. Like what if I started my half-century quest for knowledge in my 30s instead of my mid 40s?

Momentum

Alcoholism, Recovery By Matt Salis, MPS 8 Comments

Momentum

Audio version now available.

 

If I parallel park my manual transmission Jeep on a hill, I turn the wheel so that one of the front tires is digging into the curb. I was taught this maneuver as a teenager so that if the parking brake fails, and it pops out of first gear, the curb will keep the vehicle from rolling down the hill.

 

If I don’t turn the wheel, and in the unlikely event that both the parking brake and transmission fail and the Jeep starts rolling, five miles per hour is plenty of speed to send the vehicle careening over the same curb, doing thousands of dollars of damage and potentially injuring or killing someone.

 

My Jeep weighs two tons. Stationary, the curb is strong enough to hold it. With just a little momentum, however, the curb is no match.

 

I often find myself in an “inspiration” loop in a social media algorithm. I have recently heard Tom Brady, Jerry Seinfeld, Kobe Bryant, Warren Buffett and Roger Federer independently deliver the exact same message about momentum. Success is not derived from talent. It is derived from commitment, persistence, dedication and hard work. These legends in their fields aren’t better than their competition. They are just better at maintaining momentum.

Numbers

Underlying Issues Series By Matt Salis, MPS 6 Comments

Numbers

Audio version now available.

 

I went for a walk in socks and sandals.

 

I remember when I used to see old men in socks and sandals, and think how sad that was. How sad that they were oblivious to the unfashionableness of their choice of footwear.

 

It was an epiphany for me to realize that old men do know how unfashionable socks are with sandals. They just don’t give a shit what people think about them. Wow, I thought. They aren’t oblivious, they’re ambivalent. And ambivalence is a powerful indicator of self-actualization.

For the Love of Bubbles and Bacon

Curiosity, God By Matt Salis, MPS 8 Comments

For the Love of Bubbles and Bacon

I grew up in the Greek Orthodox tradition where the priests circulated through the pews puffing clouds of incense smoke at the parishioners. In some denominations, religious leaders sprinkle holy water indiscriminately on the attendees. On Easter Sunday, our minister walked slowly down the center aisle floating bubbles from her bubble wand over the heads of the people sitting near the middle of our packed church. Bubbles are not quite as intense or meaning-laden as smoke or water. I liked it. It felt springy and fun.

 

While blowing bubbles, she asked us to shout out things we like. “Easter!” yelled a kid from the back, surely still thinking about the bounty the bunny left him. “Family.” “Flowers.” “Music.” The people played along and gave her the kinds of answers she was looking for.

 

I was standing in the back corner of the church after moving some additional chairs into useful positions (as the husband of the children’s minister, I am voluntold into duty on big Sundays). Standing next to me was a young girl, maybe a third or fourth grader. I recognized her, but I couldn’t remember her name. I leaned down and asked her if she usually watches church from the back corner, alone and away from her family. She nodded her head in a way that convinced me that she was both OK, and also not receptive to further inquiry. When Reverend Sandi asked the congregation to shout out things they liked, the little girl said quietly, “Bacon.” Bacon indeed. Who doesn’t like bacon? Bacon is probably the single leading cause of vegetarian relapse. It was a shame she didn’t say it louder as I am sure her interjection would have brought many nods of approval. “Oh yes, bacon. Did I say family? I meant bacon.” Alas, I was the only one who learned of her passion for smoked pork belly. Easter is the holiday of passion, so I found it quite appropriate.

Selling Out

Alcoholism, Family, Recovery By Matt Salis, MPS 10 Comments

Selling Out

When Sheri saw the “For Sale” sign in our front yard as we pulled into the driveway on Saturday afternoon, it choked her up. We’ve been working so hard to get ready for this, but preparation doesn’t dismiss the emotions when they come. I took a video of our house – this inanimate object, this material possession – when it was painted and staged and as clean as it has ever been, and I was surprised to have to fight back tears as I narrated the ways we used each room over the past twenty years.