Coming Out Alcoholic
My friends know me as a happy guy, always there with a smile and a handshake or a hug. They know me as a devoted husband and a loving father. They see the time I dedicate to my daughter and sons and many other kids in the community. My church friends hear my monthly children’s sermons and see the joy it brings me to help my wife teach Sunday School. My customers feel the warmth of my greeting and my sincere appreciation for their business. My neighbors know I always offer a smile and a wave as I maintain my house and tend to my lawn. They all know I am eager to help anytime they need a favor. They all know me. At least, they think they do.
None of them know the defining characteristic that almost destroyed it all – my marriage, my business, my reputation. No one knows the shameful secret that would eventually have killed me. No one knows I am an alcoholic.
My addiction to a brain-warping, life-ravaging poison started with innocent experimentation in high school, developed into binge drinking in college, matured to happy-hours and daily cocktails in adulthood, and metastasized into mind-controlling, soul-devouring insidious self-medicating for the last ten years of my drinking life. I frequently referred to the deep dark mental hole of paralyzing despair that my beloved drink buried me in as The Pit. I frequently talked about The Pit with my wife, but no one else. No one else has any idea how I wished and prayed for death as my only possible escape from an alcohol-induced depression that had hijacked my brain and trampled my soul. No one else knows alcohol was quite literally killing me.
I loved to drink. At parties I would drink and laugh and tell stories and share challenges and listen and hug and laugh and drink some more. I never refused when someone would suggest, “Let’s grab a quick drink.” I always had time to talk to a neighbor over a beer or meet with an associate for a business discussion and a cocktail. In our society, where we have turned everything from a baby shower to a fifth-grade graduation into an excuse to drink, I was always there with a smile on my face and a thirst in my belly for whatever alcohol was being served to celebrate the moment.
Then, when the party was over, the meeting finished and the shower gifts all opened, I would return to the safety of my home – out of sight of my friends, neighbors and business associates – and continue drinking. Free from the constraints of socially-acceptable moderation, I selfishly drank at the pace that fit my mood and my goal intoxication level. Sometimes I drank a little. Sometimes I drank a lot. At best, I would withdraw from my family and sulk in alcoholic self-loathing. At worst, I would pick an irrational fight with my wife, Sheri, over something inconsequential like a minor purchase I deemed wasteful or a trivial parenting decision with which I disagreed. Either way, what started as jubilant public celebration turned into a private sullen anger, paranoid fear and hopeless depression. It was The Pit, and it created woeful misery for both Sheri and me.
I have learned a lot about the disease of addiction, both through research, and through years of horrific personal experience. Addiction results from a combination of genetic and environmental factors. I was unsuspectingly predisposed to the genetic components of alcoholism. As for environment, well, I was vividly immersed in a drinking culture from birth through adolescence and early adulthood and into my present day surroundings. Alcohol is quite literally everywhere, and it is celebrated as the elixir of a happy life like no other substance.
No one – none of my high-school or college buddies, no member of my family, none of my co-workers or neighbors or adult friends – celebrates the glories of methamphetamine or cocaine or opioid use. But almost everyone I know revels in the splendor of a cold beer on a hot day or the perfect paring of a robust Cabernet with a juicy steak or the tangy refreshment of a gin-and-tonic on a summer evening. In my world – in my environment – my mortal enemy and genetic kryptonite, is worshiped as a liquid panacea. Given my genetics and my environment, my alcoholism and all of the destructive years of overwhelming pain and unspeakable shame that came with it, was a forgone conclusion. Alcoholism was my destiny from the day I was born.
But what if I had known earlier what I know now? What if I had understood how the neurotransmitters of the human brain interact with addictive substances to permanently change the way the brain functions? What if I had the knowledge and tools to diagnose my mind-boggling attraction to alcohol and the associated aftermath of depression at an early age? What if I had known what to do before my brain was permanently and irreversible warped? How might my life have been different? Maybe I would not have wasted so much time during my 25-years of heavy drinking. Maybe I would not have suffered so bitterly and shamefully for the last ten years when my addiction was absolutely crippling. Maybe I would not have drained so much of the joy from my marriage. Maybe I would not have caused my wife so much pain.
I was taught at a young age to respect and fear the ocean as powerful and deadly. Why was I not taught to respect and fear the deadly power of alcohol before I poured oceans of it into my own life?
Now, as I come out of the closet about my addiction and embrace my permanent sobriety, I am haunted by the questions that our society refuses to ask. I am not an prohibitionist, nor do I plan to impose my cure for my disease on anyone else. I am compelled, however, to share my story in all its shameful and wretched detail in the prayerful hope that it will resonate with some, and it will serve as a warning to others. I cling to the belief that through education, honest evaluation and open discussion we can eliminate the shame affiliated with not only the disease of alcoholism, but also the stigma associated with being the only person at the party not drinking alcohol.
The topic of alcoholism is astonishingly complicated. Until I studied it – until I lived the tragic condition of addiction to alcohol – I could not begin to grasp intricacy of the shame of uncontrollable drinking AND the intertwined shame of abstinence. Now that I understand, and now that I am one year sober and finally unashamed, I feel deeply compelled to share the understanding that saved my life.
Through my blog, Sober and Unashamed, I will share my story. I will not preach nor urge legislation nor condemn. Reading the stories of alcoholics who survived – who climbed out of their own personal pits of despair – was the single most important component of defeating my debilitating addiction. I pray my story will serve as a warning for my children and kids everywhere – even kids from healthy homes with economic stability and loving parents – alcoholism can happen to you. I pray my story will resonate with functioning alcoholics still fighting for survival and hoping beyond hope to control the uncontrollable. I didn’t lose everything in order to find my bottom. The first step for me to make my life better was to stop making my life worse…to put down the bottle for good.
I pray my story of scraping, scratching and clawing out of The Pit will give hope to those riddled with paralyzing alcohol-induced despair. There are over fifteen-million of us in this country alone. Maybe it’s time we come out of the closet and talk about it. Maybe its time we eradicate the shame – both the shame of alcoholism and the shame of sobriety – in an alcohol soaked world.
If my struggle with my beloved drink resonates with you, I hope you find what you might be looking for in Sober and Unashamed. Please subscribe to receive blog posts via email. Please share my blog with others – both those looking for a way out and those who do not yet know they could be on a path to addiction. I do not offer answers. I offer conversation and honesty. I offer humility acquired from decades of failure. I offer compassion for anyone who suffers from addiction. I offer hope from the story of my gradual descent to the gates of hell and my life-saving resurrection. I offer love for humankind as we recognize and combat the most painful and deadly disease of our own invention and proliferation – alcoholism. I am finally, at long last, sober and unashamed.
56 Comments
Thanks for your honesty and courage!
Thank you Matt for being so open and humble. I truly appreciate your willingness to share something so personal. I plan to share this with my sons, two of which are in college and 2 in high school. I can relate to what you’ve gone through and this is why I do not drink. It is awkward, as you said, at times when drinking is the socially acceptable thing to do. Sometimes I feel like I need to explain myself when I decline a beer or glass of wine. As you said, I do not condemn those who drink and I do think there are some who can drink 1 or 2 and be satisfied. However, I began drinking in college and did not know when to stop. There were many nights I passed out, threw up and got extremely drunk to the point of not remembering what happened. I regret those times and never want to be in that position again. Therefore, I just don’t touch it. It’s refreshing to hear someone confess these things that understands why I choose to remain abstinent to alcohol. I try to warn my boys about the dangers of alcohol but they usually laugh me off because mom is worrying too much as usual, so I’m eager to share your testimony with them. I pray that God blessed you with this blog to help many, many people. Thank you.
I loved my college binge drinking, but it led to so much pain. I hope your boys listen. You have so much experience to offer them, Kim.
God bless you, Matt.
Thanks Matt. this is a very insightful and bold story. I don’t have time this morning to go into details, but I will soon. Dion
Prayers for you Matt.
I admire you for finding the courage and strength to choose the path of a life free from the chains of addiction.
I saw it ruin the last few years of my fathers life , so this hits home with me .
Your story and openness inspires and will hopefully help others to esacape from their “pit”.
Love and prayers for you and your family!
This is beautiful and candid. Your thoughts and experiences will benefit many.
Bless you for your courage in facing your addiction and sharing your story with others.
Thanks for your courage to share and your honesty. May it help many.. my husband grew up with an alcoholic father and my husband chose abstinence but it is hard in our culture. Blessing on your journey each and every day. (Unsliced)
Thank you so very much! I too am an alcoholic. I am struggling with my sobriety of a few months. I choose to drink again for a few days. So now I am a week sober. God is faithful and loving and he is my rock. Your story will give me strength and courage to continue in my sobriety. And it is very freeing to be honest and not hide anymore. Thank you for your example!!
Honesty terrified me when I was drinking. Now it is a source of strength. Addiction is so complex. I am praying for you, sis!
Your story resonates, with so many. May your daily strength do the same. Thank you for opening this door for us and boldly walking through it. You know I’m with you. In heart and soul my friend.
We have been through a lot together – both scary and uplifting. I am honored to have a friend like you, Cheri!
Oh Matt ~ thanks for sharing this. It’s a horrible disease and so enlightening when you talk about the shame of sobriety. I’m sure your blog will help others — you are so brave!
Matt,
First off, I love you and Shari. Mark and I have always said what great parents you are. I am even more proud to call you a friend. Your road ahead will be tough but you are choosing LIFE. And you are a very RICH man. You have an awesome wife!! And, four beautiful children. And, great friends in Colorado Springs! 🙂
While I can’t fully grasp what you are going through I know it is hellish. I know that you feel shame. I know that you feel alone at times. I know that you don’t feel you are in control. I know you feel like you fail those that you love at times. I know that you hate yourself some days.
I lost my mother to alcoholism. She died at 47. My brother, 49, almost bled out three months ago. He went through detox while in the hospital for a week. He has been very verbal that he plans on starting to drink again when he has money to do so. He is living with his daughter because he can’t support himself and has isolated himself from the rest of the family. I can’t understand him not wanting to stay sober. Not wanting to live for his children (one of them only 9). I tried to save him since he was a kid and started drinking but I too studied and read about addiction. I let go with my crusade to save him the help of Mark. I couldn’t save my mother and I couldn’t save him and I felt guilty for not being able to but I finally understand that the person has to want to change and work to change.
It will be a struggle. If you slide backwards, know that it is just that. Pick yourself back up and move forward again. NEVER EVER STOP FIGHTING!! NEVER EVER GIVE UP!! If you do, I will personally kick your butt!
I am also very grateful for you sharing your story! I know you will help others and yourself along the way. You are so right about how alcohol is everywhere and is a social norm. The dangers of it aren’t talked about. It should be and you are starting a conversation! While I do not have children of my own, I have had very candid conversations with my niece and nephew about how alcoholism runs in the family and how they are predisposed. I still have conversations with them and will continue to do so.
Thank you for starting a conversation! Thank you for choosing life! Thank you for being a great human being!
Much love,
Ainley
You and Mark are simply the best friends we could hope to have. We have laughed, cried, struggled and carried on together. I have no doubt you can kick my butt, Ainley, so I will keep on fighting, sis!
Matt, thank you so much for your courage in sharing your story. Addiction comes in many forms but alcohol, as you say, is so socially acceptable and encouraged. Your blog will help those who read it, whether they deal with this specific addition or not; all of us have our own personal demons. And so many of us have been touched by alcoholism with friends or family members who have struggled with it. Sharing our struggles and victories is a powerful way to help and heal ourselves and each other. Thank you!
You are right, Bonnie. Have you read about the demons the first four people I told of my addiction shared with me? https://soberandunashamed.com/perfectly-tragic/
Hello Matt,
Dwight has always said that he enjoyed your talented writing in your comments in the GH community.
I want to encourage you along this path. You certanly speak from experience and writing is vivid, engaging, humble, helpful, leading the way. And as always a pleasure to read. I wish it were under different circumstances but the circumstances are encouraging as a year has passes, the fight continues, and you are helping others.
Thank you for sharing this journey. I am doing as you hoped your readers would do, passing this on to my secretly alcholic brother, also a business owner with 30 yrs of drinking under his belt, in hopes that your testimony will be useful to him. He may hate me for it because I have never been so bold but it’s worth the chance to share your words with him. Thank you!!
Getting through to us when we are in deep is so very hard. Bold is the only chance you have. I’ll be praying your brother hears your love, Sharon!
Congratulations on defeating old John Barley-corn. We will always support you , Sheri and the kids in your constant battle to keep him under control. We know it is a never-ending battle. May the love of all customers and friends continue to support you in this effort. God Bless!
Matt:
You’ve always been an excellent and witty writer! I’m sure channeling those talents towards a blog for sobriety will help many people. I will share your blog with my cousin Bill and brother-in law Todd, who are both joining you in the fight. Bigs Hugs! Julie at the Northville Great Harvest
I hope Bill, Todd and I can all make you proud. Keep the faith, Julie!
Matt, your story is inspiring. And you should be a paid writer in your next gig! I don’t know how you accomplished this goal, but you obviously have tremendous self-discipline. I remember the month you ate nothing but Great Harvest bread!
Hey Matt,
Thanks for including me on this. It definitely took a lot of courage and holy crap, you’re a great writer! This is just to say that I’ve always respected you as a boss and a friend. I’ll always remember those laughs we had shaping dough. And also that however much addiction is a motherfucker, it can be broken. I’ve smoked for 23 years (started when I was 12), and after many (mostly half-assed) attempts at quitting, I finally took it seriously and started seeing an addiction counselor. I’m now 4 weeks without a cigarette, not long but I feel better, smell better (If I do say so myself. And I do), and my wife complains less (at least about the cigarettes, ha).
Good work and god speed, sir.
Stephen
I can’t believe you can take anything seriously. You used to pretend the oven was your girlfriend. Congrats on not stinking! Keep it up, brother!
Matt,
All the years I’ve known you, I would have never guessed!
I applaud your courage, strength and vulnerability in opening up to friends and colleagues, it shows how far you have come in your quest and commitment to become and to stay sober. Keep up the good fight. Proud of you mate.
Graham
Not to forget how fortunate you are to have undying support from Sheri, your kids and family. Your story moved me. Your a good man! Cheers, well, cheers without a drink.
Cheers with my soda water with lime. As long as they don’t serve it to me in a big plastic Coke cup, no one knows the difference. See you on the pitch!
Hi Matt,
Thanks for this wonderfully insightful, well spoken, inspirational story. I know you are loved by many, and you are not alone. Not sure if you knew, but I have been in recovery coming up on 15 years now. My life was in ruins and my health was in question, and I was most often mentally unstable. By not drinking I was able to regain my love of life, hang on to family and friends and live a healthy existence. Your writing is another spiritual experience for me that let’s me know how important my decision to live sober was.
I look forward to seeing you again soon.
-Chris Heriza
I have known your story for years. You have no idea how close I came to asking for your help when I was struggling with failed attempts at sobriety in the past. I was too ashamed. I wasted a lot of time. So glad to be on your side.
Matt, thank you so much for sharing. Your candor will help others and give pause to those who think alcohol is not a big issue. Welcome to your new life! My prayers are with you and your family. Blessings of peace
Matt –
How surprised I was to see your email in my inbox today. But I was also very happy to hear from you. You and Cathryn provided some much needed support to Bian and me during “the soccer years” — you may not know that, but you did. I just spent the better part of an hour here at work reading your posts. What a fine voice you have – engaging, honest, and supremely humble. I’m not surprised; you’re like that in real life, as well. Your story did surprise me — I never would have suspected that you were struggling with this but then again, we didn’t know each other too long or too well.
Thank you for sharing this with me, an acquaintance, as well as with close friends and family. I’m honored that you trust me with such a personal tale. I have total confidence in you, as a coach, a dad, a husband, and a friend–a sober one. It seems you’ve gleaned some real insights into your disease and you’ve written about them eloquently. Now that our girls are in high school (!) I do worry about this culture of alcohol as elixir. It’s up to us, as parents, to teach them how to navigate these treacherous waters. Your blog is a great teaching tool.
Thanks again for reaching out–we’ll always be thinking of you in the best possible light.
Annik and Bian
Seattle, WA
You are far too engaging, helpful, thoughtful, warm and loving to be an acquaintance. And…after all these years you spelled my daughter’s name correctly. You and Bian are good friends!
Thank you. May God continue to bless you and your family.
Matt,
Your story, your life can be a life-saving testimony to anyone who has been or is going through the pain and agony that you have experienced.
Your skill as a writer almost equals your engaging personality. I hope anyone who reads your blog will take advantage of your wisdom and ability to articulate it in a compelling manner.
I admire your courage and the perseverance to overcome your demon. Now that you have kicked its butt, step on its throat and keep it at bay. I am happy for both you and your family. I truly feel your openness and candor will save marriages and even lives to those you reach. You are a helluva baker, but maybe even a better example of accepting the challenge and winning the battle. As Jim Valvano said, “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up.”
Thank you for sharing your story, Matt. More conversation and openness needs to be had around this issue that affects so many.
Much admiration,
Bethany
Hi Matt,
I’m so proud of your bravery, strength, honesty and wisdom. I love your family for helping you get here.
Best, Carla.
Dear Matt,
Thank you. Truly. As some of your newest neighbors we deeply treasure you and Sheri and each of your amazing children. Count on us to stand with each of you on this journey – hoping with you, praying for you, believing with you and in you. There’s nothing but love and encouragement coming y’all’s way from across the street. Always.
Blessings and love,
Sondra and Mark
I love you guys, but it is especially nice that you and Sheri have grown so close. Whenever she steps outside to get an herb from the garden or put a wreath on the door and comes back 2 1/2 hours later, I know she is with you. That’s great!
Matt, thank you for sharing your story and your journey. You are so brave and you are giving us all such a gift with your honesty about your struggle. My grandmother was an alcoholic. By the time I got to know her, her brain was so damaged, that I never could form a meaningful relationship with her. I am so glad you are tackling this now, and I wish you continued strength and clarity of purpose. Please count me as part of your village, with open arms and an open heart. You and Sheri are important to me.
I’ve got a hug waiting for you, sis.
Matt-
Thank you so much for including me in this I look forward to following along on your journey. Alcoholism is a shadow that has been present within my own family and while I myself cannot fully understand the struggle of becoming sober I can appreciate the toll it takes on a persons entire life. After leaving the bakery I cut all ties as I was myself at a bit of a turning point and felt the need to start fresh in many ways but I think of you and your family from time to time and I do cherish all of the laughter we shared over the years.
Give my best to Sheri and the kids, next time I am in the neighborhood I will be stopping in!
Love,
Michelle
I can’t believe we are going to have you back in our lives. We have missed you!
Matt — like all of the comments before, your ability to open up and tackle this head-on with the candor, wit and insight is nothing short of amazing. The power of your pen can not only provide an outlet of wisdom, but also transform other lives around you during this journey. Keep writing and let us know how we can help create routines and celebrations that focus on life and never again alcohol. We miss you, Cheri and the kids and look forward to some incredible memories up in the mountains this summer! Much love, Marin & Matt
So beautifully written Matt. Through your blog you are doing so much service to others and service is what Bill W asked addicts to do. Extend the hand and heart to those who suffer.
Beautiful. Gripping. Relevant. Real. Thank you for committing to putting your learned lessons into words to shed light for others desperate for raw truth and honesty.
Love you Matt–Always have; always will! I’m so proud of you and this statement. You are in my heart and in my prayers!
Inspiring as hell, brother. I was hanging on every word of every article/post. I am proud of you for your conquest and you truly have a gift for writing. I look forward to reading more from you.
Thanks, W.B. Great to hear from you!
Way to be bold. Way to be courageous. Way to keep getting up every day and going after it again. I sincerely appreciate your honest and determined look at this illness we call addiction. Thanks Matt!
I love you, Matt! Exposing a deep secret is not easy for most men. We are supposed to be able to do it all, without weaknesses.
I am happy for you, Sheri, and your kids, and I do hope and pray that you have the strength and support to fight your battle forever. I am so glad that you took the steps that you need to make a change for the better.
I know that when most of the ‘fun’ things in your life revolved around alcohol, it can be difficult to figure out how to have the fun that you’ve always enjoyed, without a getting drunk. As one of the guys that enjoyed great times with you and Sheri, I have tons of fun, and I don’t drink (almost). I drink a couple of times a year (Christmas and GHB convention). I only have one drink. After that it is all non-alcoholic. I am a control guy. I never want to be out of control of myself. When I do stupid things I do so knowing exactly what I am doing! I have never been drunk in my life. I hope that you can reprogram yourself to have fun without a drink.
You are headed down a tough road. Don’t let yourself be in any situation where you can lose your control. Keep your loved ones close. You can’t do it all on your own.
NEVER QUIT TRYING!
God Bless You!
Love always,
Pete
Thank you Pete! I have felt so, so bad that we missed convention when you were inducted into the hall of fame. I just wasn’t strong enough then to attend my favorite drinking boondoggle of the year sober. I would say, “I hope you understand,” but I don’t need to hope. I KNOW you will forgive me. I have looked to you as a mentor for 14 years, and I have had some of the best adventures of my life with you. I love you, too!
Hey, Matt. Sometimes it takes a lot of time in the darkness before you can get through to the light. I’m happy for you that you are turning your life around. And sharing this with the world is an amazing feat. (Good writing style too!) Keep up the good work.
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