Insignificance

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“What did you say?” he asked. I repeated myself, to which he wondered, “Why do you do that?” Then the budding signs of curiosity were interrupted. A distraction. The inquiry was not interesting enough to come back to it.

Just like I often feel, the topic felt insignificant.

There are certain metrics to which I pay attention, and I try not to let money be one of them. But how can I not, really? We live in a society where we have to pay for stuff constantly. That makes it pretty hard to ignore the top line from which all the expense items are subtracted. And when the minuses are more than the pluses, that feels like my efforts to earn are very insignificant.

I try to limit the metrics to which I intentionally give oxygen. Big Tom says in the movie Tommy Boy that, “You’re either growin’ or you’re dyin’. There ain’t no third direction.” But what about stagnation? That’s neither growing nor dying, and it carries with it just enough potential to keep me in the game. Stagnation feels like creeping insignificance.

I went to school in search of significance. I learned some stuff, and some of it was actually interesting. I even get to put boastful little letters behind my name now. But in my post-degree brain, the same battle rages on from my pre-degree days. Are the answers to the questions really this simple, or am I still too stupid to find the complex solutions? And if the path to harmony is paved with the basics, how do I come up with clickbait titles for the message of being nice to each other? Yes, nice all the time. It turns out that my kindergarten teacher was right. Doesn’t that make all of my effort after age five feel insignificant?

I have long espoused that self-confidence is the solution for addiction prevention and recovery. Insignificance, it seems, is the opposite of self-confidence. When I think about times when my drinking got out-of-control, there was often a connection to feelings of insignificance. Some number was lower than expected. Or in the case of the number on the bathroom scale, higher. I compared unfavorably to someone with whom I was interacting. I wasn’t as funny or rich or fit or skilled. I stopped doing something, and nobody noticed. I started doing something, and nobody cared. It’s a Wonderful Life is one of my top-five favorite Christmas movies, so yes, I know, all of our lives touch so many other lives in significant ways. I have successfully performed the Heimlich maneuver twice, but those souls saved never crossed my mind while dealing with a leaky toilet last weekend. I spent my Sunday afternoon bouncing between YouTube videos and trips to Home Depot, and it felt necessary, but unimportant. Insignificant, even.

So how do I thrive in a society that measures significance in terms of money, power, and fame while personally disavowing money, power, and fame? I’m pretty good at swatting away the incessant barrage of opportunities for comparison, but sometimes my swatter gets tired, and I can’t help but notice that my hours of effort don’t really add up to much that’s tangible.

Also, it is incredibly discouraging to keep my head down and keep doing my thing when I have absolutely no hope whatsoever that intelligence will ever again be linked to democratically elected leadership. At least not in my lifetime. The degree to which those who successfully earn their distorted version of significance from harnessing power have hurt my family financially cannot be overstated. I’m talking about the narcissists in both parties and on all government levels. So how do I keep smiling while taking incoming friendly fire knowing that not only does no one have any interest in solving my problems, but that the people holding the reins have even less interest in getting out of my way so I can solve them on my own. You know, so that I can be my own source of personal significance.

At the end of a family trip last week, my daughter’s phone died. I suggested that we order a new phone and have it shipped to arrive at her apartment the day after she returned home. Both my wife and daughter were disappointed. My wife suggested that I borrow a car and go with my daughter to pick up the phone we ordered online at one of the phone carrier’s retail locations. I could sense that my wife needed our daughter to have a phone as she traveled across the country alone to the city she now calls home. I honored her wish, even remaining calm and resourceful when the transaction, and subsequent phone activation, did not go smoothly. “I told you so,” never crossed my lips, and my smile was genuine as my daughter and I shot the trouble together.

My oldest son wanted to return to his college rental house 90 minutes north of Denver on the night of our return flight even though we were scheduled to arrive late. Again, I suggested an alternative plan. Again, my wife suggested that I offer to make the sacrifice.

Sometimes being emotionally safe bears a striking resemblance to being walked all over. Like my plans, my ideas, and my time are not important. Insignificant, even. The funny thing about emotional safety is that the better I get at providing it, the more pain I seem to endure. It was much easier when I stomped around and demanded obedience.

Significance is sometimes easy. But at what relationship cost?

I helped my daughter replace her phone before traveling across the country alone. I offered to drive my son home even though my head would have hit my pillow after midnight. Neither the sacrifices nor the outcomes felt significant to me.

But it was significant to my daughter. It was significant to my son. And the emotional safety I reluctantly provided to my family was so significant to my wife that she turned toward me, instead of away from me, and we connected in a really meaningful way. So meaningful, so loving, so full of trust and appreciation that it felt significant.

I felt significant.

I know what it’s like to feel insignificant. Now I’m learning all the little hiding places of true significance in my life.

If you know what it means to drink to ease the pain of feelings of insignificance, we hope you’ll consider joining us in SHOUT Sobriety as we search for the significance and self-confidence of healing and growth.

SHOUT Sobriety